Memorable quotes from the hit NBC show "The Office" - Seasons 1-5

The best Office Quotes from Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Andy Bernard & more!

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Season 5

Stress Relief

After Dwight's fire safety seminar goes awry, he must make amends to the stressed-out office. Michael tries a number of ways to get his employees to relax before discovering that he is the number one stressor at work.

Memorable Office Quotes

Michael Scott: [screaming at Stanley after he collapses] No no no no you will not die! Stanley! Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black Stanley!

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael Scott: Electricity.
Dwight Schrute: Shampoo.

Dwight Schrute: I just want to say for the record I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back to the office in a couple of days!

Executive: Did you shout "fire," causing a panic?
Dwight Schrute: Yes I shouted fire. I shouted many things. I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building so you can imagine my frustration, as safety officer, when nobody would heed of, would heeded, heeded of--
Michael Scott: Headed of--
Dwight Schrute: When no one would take headed of my instructions.
Michael Scott: Heed. Take heed.
Dwight Schrute: I don't see my co-workers--
Michael Scott: Take heed of--
Dwight Schrute: --heeding this. Right now.
Executive: Right what?

[Michael slowly walks over the window and stares out]
Michael Scott: [big sigh] The city... Dwight. We are not mad. We are just disappointed.
David Wallace: No we are mad.
Michael Scott: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace: No, we're not!
Michael Scott: I am not a mind reader, David.

Michael Scott: Instead what I think we should do, is strip you of your title as safety officer--
Dwight Schrute: No...
Michael Scott: --and take, a part of his pay, and donate it to a charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like.
Dwight Schrute: Peta.

David Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died because of the way you're allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscience?
Michael Scott: [to Dwight] Do you?
David Wallace: Michael?
Michael Scott: You're talking to me?
David Wallace: Yeah.
Michael Scott: What?

Michael Scott: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, oh this is the place that I might die today. That's what a hospital is for. An office, is for not dying. An office is a place to... live life to the fullest. To the max. To... an office is a place where dreams come true.

Stanley: It's true. Around this office in the past I have been a little abrupt with people.
[cut to a montage of scenes with Stanley being angry]
Stanley: "Not maybe, yes or no." / "No way! Uh uh." / "Are you from another planet!" / "Boy have you lost your mind 'cause I'll help you find it!" / "Did I stutter!" / "I'm done! Good-bye!"
Stanley: But the doctor said, if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.
[cut to Stanley returning to the office]
Michael Scott: Andy?
Andy: A throne for thy highness. [waves to a wheelchair]
Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael Scott: No no no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you're back on your feet.
[back to Stanley's talking head]
Stanley: I'm going to die.

Red Cross woman: ABC, ok? Now it stands for Airway, Breathing and Circulation.
Michael Scott: Ok you know what, that can be a little confusing because in sales, ABC means Always Be Closing.

Michael Scott: We found ourselves on the, less prepared side of things when Stanley had his-- when his heart went bezerk. And I knew exactly what to do but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have a CPR training class. And... of course you can't get the practice dummy, unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross... racquet.

[Kevin is preforming chest compressions on the dummy]
Kevin: I can't keep doing this forever.
Red Cross woman: It's been twenty seconds.
[Kevin continues for a couple seconds then stops]
Kevin: Call it.

Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley: Ohh I don't know...
Phyllis: It's not a good idea, Michael. He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick.

Michael Scott: We are not always going to be there, to coddle your heart back, when it disappears to be working. What are you going to do when your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.

Red Cross woman: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose, they are not breathing. And, they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross woman: No that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin: I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael Scott: How 'bout no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don't do anything.

Red Cross woman: Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of one hundred beats per minute.
Michael Scott: Ohhhkay that's, uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim Halpert: How's that going to help you?
Michael Scott: I'll divide and then count to it.
Jim Halpert: Right.

Rose: Ok. You didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. And the ambulance didn't arrive because no body called 911. So you lost 'em.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. He's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?
Rose: I have no idea.
Phyllis: We bury him.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet, I checked.
Michael Scott: He is an organ donor.
Dwight Schrute: [excitedly] He is? Give me some ice in a Styrofoam bucket. [removes a hunting knife from his ankle and cuts open the dummy] We search for the organs! [digging around inside] Where's the heart? The precious heart.

David Wallace: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
David Wallace: We had to pay for it. It cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael Scott: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Ok. Look. This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes and now Dwight knows, not to cut the face off a real person.

Pam Beesly: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest hard-working people.
Jim Halpert: And we don't know how.
Pam Beesly: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim Halpert: Punishment fits the crime.

Pam Beesly: My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and, it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna have to buy my dad a robe.

Andy: Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

Michael Scott: Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight Schrute: I have.
Michael Scott: Let's hear it.
Dwight Schrute: [unfolds piece of paper and reads from it] I state my regret.
Jim Halpert: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight Schrute: I could not because I do not feel it.

Dwight Schrute: Ok everyone. I'm going to need you to sign this statement of regret, as an acknologment you heard it, ok? Everyone come on up here, it's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise. Now take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, ok? Make a line. Let's form a line right here. ... Sign it. Sign it!

Jack Black: [in the movie] Lilly?
Lilly: I'm in here.
Jack Black: I, uh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you... were in the bath. Do you want me to go?
Lilly: I want you to stay. [Jack Black lifts her out of the tub]
Andy: Oh man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole Kidman dropped out so they went with Cloris Leechman, with a small rewrite.

Michael Scott: Owmn. Owmn. Everybody sit on the floor Indian-style like me. [as Meredith sits down in front of him] Owmn--my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that--owmn.

Michael Scott: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [plays a song off his computer] That one makes me think... of death... It's kinda nice.

Michael Scott: [during a relaxaxtion exercise] It is a beautiful, sunny day, as we walk through the meadow. It is very spiritual and relaxation and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in the distance. And you walk up, toward the castle. And inside the castle are four men. And each of them-- none of the have shoes. And they give you a funny cigarette and you feel even more relaxed. And then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out.
Meredith: Chunky Monkey!
Michael Scott: Too expensive.
Stanley: Chocolate.
Michael Scott: Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want.

Michael Scott: I think that thing is on the fritz. Uh, Oscar, would you reach over a touch his thing? That's what s--he said! Right, guys? Because of, gay.

Michael Scott: So it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I'm the killer. You never expect that you're the killer. It's a great twist. Great twist.

Pam Beesly: What could Jim have said to make my dad leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he going to say it to me?

Dwight Schrute: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. Speaking of which, [hands over paper for Michael to sign]

Michael Scott: Remember when people used to say "boss" when they were describing something really cool. Like, "those shoulder pads are really boss man." "Look at that perm, that perm is so boss!" It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang, for jerk in charge.

Michael Scott: [about his roast] I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer. Fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I want it to be good.

Kevin: Oh my God. Ohhh man. Ohhh my God.

Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm going try to make him cry.

Michael Scott: I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott.
Angela: [cut to interview] I normally don't enjoy making people laugh.
Angela: If you ever, called the fire department because your head was stuck in the chair, you might be--
Everyone: Michael Scott!
[Angela gets off the stage]
Michael Scott: Hey! Hey! I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers!

Kelly: I have made a list of people who I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood chipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldermort.

Meredith: Michael, you ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said, "gross".
Michael Scott: Well.
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.

Jim Halpert: Several times a day, Michael says words that are Way beyond my vocabulary--
Michael Scott: I know where this is going!
Jim Halpert: Do ya?
Michael Scott: No.
Jim Halpert: Ok. Remember spiderface?
Michael Scott: No.
Jim Halpert: Ok because the quote was, "cut off her nose to spiderface."

Dwight Schrute: How dare you all attack him like this. Michael is your superior! You should be bowing down in front of him.
[Michael and Dwight talk over top each other]
Michael Scott: Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
Dwight Schrute: Are you calling me an idiot? Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends or any family or and land! [walks of the stage]

Pam Beesly: Well I just wanna take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He's supporting about twenty Nigerian princesses.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring.
Pam Beesly: Michael is a great delegater. He never does any work himself, ever. [Dwight claps loudly] And one time I walked in on him naked. And his thing is so small. [goes to sit down]
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam Beesly: If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!

Andy: [playing the guitar and singing] What I hate about you! You really suck as a boss. You're the lousiest, jerkiest and you're dumber than apple sauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away. Well it's true! That's what I hate about you! That's what I hate about you!

Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. Great job. Some great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong but. And my thing isn't tiny, it's average. So. Get your facts straight. So when I hear there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought-- [clears throat] I have a frog in my throat. I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. First up, Phyllis and Kevin... [runs out of the warehouse]

Dwight Schrute: It's very unusal for Michael not to show up for work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them. And staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.

Michael Scott: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And our problems don't matter to him because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [waves to the sky] I'm okay! No I'm not.

Lilly: Sam! Sam! Sam! It's not that you dumped my granddaughter and it's not that you want children. It's that you lied to me! Can't you see that? Can't you see! I can never trust you. [begins to slowly moves up the stairs in electric chair]
Jack Black: Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly stop! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say. And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not making any sense! Please, move back to my apartment. Lilly, I'm not givin' up. I'm not givin' up. Lilly. Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button!
Andy: [sobbing] Sam! Sam!

Jim Halpert: So what'd he say? Was it my fault?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about, how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with. I guess he had never felt that with my mom even at their best.
Jim Halpert: You okay?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
[they hug]

Pam Beesly: When you're a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that. [Andy walks by in the background] I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy throws up his hands]
[cut to talking head]
Andy: I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Or an art critic. That painting is bad.

Michael Scott: Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!
[Stanley laughs hysterically]
Michael Scott: Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, uh, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.

Michael Scott: They say that laughter is the best medicine, so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills you are cured. Actually, you should better hold on to those. Just in case.

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