Season 5

Moroccan Christmas

The annual Christmas party gets derailed when Meredith sets herself on fire.

Memorable Office Quotes

Phyllis: This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as part of the party planning committee. The theme is "night in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.

Phyllis: Angela, you're going to move this for the party right? It's not on theme.
Angela: It's the nativity scene.
Phyllis: Alright. You can keep your camel, the sheep, elephant and the North African king can stay. Everything else goes into the drawer.
[cut to talking head]
Angela: I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.

Phyllis: Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to a formal letter.

Dwight Schrute: Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season. This year, it's a doll: half girl, half unicorn. Catch phrase: [reading box] "my horn can pierce the sky." Pathetic. [scoffs] I bought out every store in the area over the past couple of weeks, and, as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them, at an enormous profit. Isn't that right, princess?

Jim Halpert: [about Dwight's doll-selling scheme] That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight Schrute: I am simply punishing those parents that would wait until the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that [points to the doll's horn] How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?

Michael Scott: [walking out of his office] Oh hey is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight Schrute: They are now.
Michael Scott: Cool. [singing the theme song] "My horn can pierce the sky."

Michael Scott: [holding a cup] This, is equal parts, scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. I call it a one of everything.
Meredith: [drinks it in one swig] Oh. My. Goddddddddd! [laughing] Hit me again!
Michael Scott: Ok! One more time around the block.

Jim Halpert: [rubbing a lamp] I will grant you one wish.
Pam Beesly: I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Jim Halpert: Stupid. Everybody knows to ask for a hundred more wishes.

Michael Scott: That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice-ka.
Jim Halpert: [takes a sip] Wow that is delicious. I can't believe no one's thought of that before.
Michael Scott: I know!

Michael Scott: [at the Moroccan Christmas party, to Kelly] Ahhh. So this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.

Michael Scott: An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe but really it's a coming-together-- it's a surprise party! For people, who are-- who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.

Kevin Malone: [to Meredith] Fire girl! ... too soon.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.

Andy Bernard: When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of So Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-o shots, do some body shots off myself... Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So Co, head to class. Probably would've got expelled if I had've let it affect my grades but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.

Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberitely change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a website. That's not important.

Dwight Schrute: In the Schrute family we believe in a five-fingered intervention. [raises fist] Awareness. Education. Control. Acceptance. And punching.

Michael Scott: Who is going to tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night?
Meredith: I am fine!
Michael Scott: Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine?

Meredith: I don't mind telling you I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
[collective sighs from everyone in the office]
Michael Scott: Alright, no no no. No. That is-- the image, I think we can all agree, is very disgusting but you know what? Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you're dead?
Dwight Schrute: I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
[cut to talking head]
Dwight Schrute: There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one, is to stab it in the brain, with a wooden stick.

Michael Scott: [to Meredith] Everyone in this room loves you. But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out.
Dwight Schrute: Ohhh as fire marshal I would have to.
Michael Scott: Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
Michael Scott: [sighs]
Dwight Schrute: I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well ventilated area.
Jim Halpert: Yeah you're going to need a permit for that.
Dwight Schrute: Oh right. That'll take a couple of weeks.
Creed Bratton: I could get you one in an hour.
Dwight Schrute: Really?

Michael Scott: You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better. That's my only wish. But you know what my wishes never come true. So I'm not going to wish that on her. I... a watch would be nice.

Jim Halpert: [to Andy playing the Moroccan guitar] Hey.
Andy Bernard: What's up?
Jim Halpert: You take requests?
Andy Bernard: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Please stop. Because we're, having a Christmas party. [walks away]

Michael Scott: Could you write down the number to that rehabilitation center you mentioned?
Toby Flenderson: Sure. Wow. [hands it to Michael]
[Michael flicks the pen at Toby's forehead]
Toby Flenderson: Ow.

Pam Beesly: I knew it.
Jim Halpert: You did not know it.
Pam Beesly: I knew some of it.
Jim Halpert: Everyone knew some of it.
Pam Beesly: [Pam turns to Jim] It's Christmas.
Jim Halpert: You knew it.
Pam Beesly: Thank you. [to camera] I knew it.
Jim Halpert: She knew it.

Michael Scott: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Andy Bernard: [playing the guitar] Ange, check it out. [singing] There's a place in France / where the naked ladies dance.
Angela: Really Andy? It's Christmas. And you're singing about nudity and France. [walks away]
Andy Bernard: [keeps singing] There's a hole in the wall / where the men can see it all.

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