Season 5

Lecture Circuit Part 1

David Wallace sends Michael on a lecture circuit to other branches to discuss Scranton's success.

Memorable Office Quotes

Michael Scott: And we're off! Like a herd of turtles.

Michael Scott: Well Pam and I have eloped. Actually, we just robbed a bank! And we are on the lamb. [laughs] Seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently, Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch, so David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches - except Nashua, still a little bit raw, there - but I am going to these branches and I am telling them my secret recipe for success. My eleven business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [Pam, struggling with Michael's luggage, drops it behind him] Ohhh THAT. Well that, is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Pam Beesly: He brought a sled.
Michael Scott: No! That is a toboggan. You never know when you're going to find a snowy hill. So. Every musician has a hot assistant and every rock star has a roadie and Pam is my hot roadie.
Pam Beesly: Yeah! I love being on the road, but I especially love the time-and-a-half pay, twenty-four hours a day for three days. 'Cause, I have a mortgage now! Gotta bring home the bucks!
Michael Scott: Yea-oh don't say bucks, that's not lady-like.

Michael Scott: So what we do, is we drive all day, and we stay in a hotel together at night.
Pam Beesly: Separate rooms.
Michael Scott: Well that goes without saying.
Pam Beesly: I'm gonna say it anyway.

[Dwight and Jim sit next to each other in the conference room]
Both: Go ahead.
Dwight Schrute: You do it.
Jim Halpert: Ok--
Dwight Schrute: I insist.
Jim Halpert: Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them both to step down from the party planning committee because there was too much drama--
Dwight Schrute: [raising his finger in front of Jim's face] What he said was--
Jim Halpert: Just take it easy--
Dwight Schrute: --there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful. So he appointed two heads.
Both: I am a paper salesman. This is humiliating. / Party planning, this is literally the stupidest thing I've ever done.
[they fight over elbow room on the chair arm rests]
Dwight Schrute: That's-- on my side.
Jim Halpert: So this is fun.

Kelly: My birthday was yesterday, and everyone forgot. I got really dressed up and excited and no one said a word. There's wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean, to the hot, popular girl.

Pam Beesly: Can I turn on the radio?
Michael Scott: No, I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Pam Beesly: But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Michael Scott: Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Pam Beesly: That's dangerous.
Michael Scott: Well then-- Hey, let's just talk.
Pam Beesly: That's ok-- I can-- I'm fine. I'll just, play a song in my head. [starts humming]

Michael Scott: You nervous about seeing Karen again? Since she was the "other woman." Actually you were the other woman, so.
Pam Beesly: No that was a long time ago.
Michael Scott: Is that why you're wearing make up today?
Pam Beesly: No. I'm not, even, wearing that much...

Pam Beesly: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so.

Andy Bernard: Who's that?
Phyllis: She's out of your league, Andy.
Andy Bernard: For your information I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Phyllis: [surprised] Sexually?
Andy Bernard: This conversation is over.

Andy Bernard: I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smack down between the Nard Dog, and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.

Jim Halpert: We just want to make it up to you, what can we do?
Kelly: I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Dwight Schrute: [to Jim] Oh God.
Jim Halpert: [to Kelly] Ok.
Kelly: In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bare it--
Dwight Schrute: What kind of cake do you want, imbecile.
Kelly: Ice cream.
[Jim and Dwight walk away without a word]

Karen: Hey. Hi guys!
[camera pans to show Karen walking over, pregnant]
Michael Scott: Oh my God... Is that Jim's?
Karen: What?
Pam Beesly: Michael!
Karen: Of course not.
Michael Scott: Ok. Wow. Oh man! Head just exploded. Ooooh thank God. [to Pam] For everybody, right? Whookay. Wow you're huge! That's, incredible. I-- God. Sorry, sorry. My head is-- I'm just-- I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex. And--
Karen: Let's just get this over with, shall we. Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: [to himself] Ten. Ten months?

[Dwight is in the conference room hanging up un-inflated balloons]
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute: Well I'm not done yet.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, this, fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight Schrute: They match the carpet.
Jim Halpert: What is that? [points to Dwight's banner] "It is your birthday" period.
Dwight Schrute: It's a statement of fact.
Jim Halpert: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight Schrute: This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!

Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim Halpert: Ok, good then.

Dwight Schrute: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim Halpert: I am working on it.
Dwight Schrute: How much do you have?
Jim Halpert: Six dollars.
Dwight Schrute: That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it Jim!
Jim Halpert: [to camera] I said I was working on it.

Andy Bernard: [looking in a car window] Trying to see what CD she's got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Ah-ha! Fiest! Yes! [hits the car setting of its alarm] Ah-hhh-hh! [nervously backs up into the car behind him, setting of that alarm too]

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Noooo! Oh my God! Ohh no, that is so awful. I have to go, I have to do a presentation. [lowers phone] I'll talk to you-- This is going to be hard for me to speak today because I have just learned that my father has died. [gasps from the crowd] No he didn't! He is alive! And this isn't even a cellphone, this is a calculator! But you bought it! And now you can't return it! Or can you. No you can't!

[Karen raises her hand]
Michael Scott: Yes! Karen. Do you need to go, [motions toward his chest] pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that until after I have the baby, no, I'm wondering what are you talking about.
Michael Scott: I am talking about how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.
Karen: But now we think you're a liar.
Michael Scott: Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars!
[Pam throws a handful of mini chocolate bars into the crowd]

Michael Scott: I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof. [stops] That one. You get it.

Michael Scott: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me your names. I have an amazing mnemonic device by which I have now memorize all of your names. [pointing to people] Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy. Your head it bald. It is hairless. It is shiny. It is reflective, like a mirror. M. Your name is Mark.
Mark: Yes.
Michael Scott: Got it. It works!

Andy Bernard: Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult on-set diabetes so, I put Splenda in yours. Let's see, how many did I put in there [starts singing to the tune of Fiest's 1234] 1-2-3-4 Splendas in your coffee Stanley, none in yours Julia, because I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather--
Stanley: Four Splenda? Are you crazy?
Andy Bernard: Well no I actually only put in two but, that's not how the song goes.

Stanley: Are you out of your damn mind?
Andy Bernard: Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office and you don't even set me up with her.
Stanley: We're not friends. I didn't think about it.
Andy Bernard: We are friends, Stanley. We're friends. And you let me down.
Stanley: You really like her, huh?
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I really like her. With all my heart.
Stanley: [beat] Give me two clients for her.

Michael Scott: I grab this [picks up a chainsaw] and I say, "prepare yourself, for the Utica chainstorm massacre!"
Karen: No. That is-- that's incredibly dangerous.
Michael Scott: No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Pam Beesly: No it's not.

Michael Scott: So is there a guy... or a person... or a-- a sperm machine that did this to you, or?

Michael Scott: Old hatreds... dissolve. Into new friendships. This is really a wonderful moment.

Andy Bernard: So, Julia. Let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriends house..--
Julia: No it can go straight to our business address.
Andy Bernard: Oh ok. Alright. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just like totally threatended by you or?
Julia: Actually I- I don't have a boyfriend.
Andy Bernard: Really? Is that-- wow that's so weird.

Andy Bernard: Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl and I'm completely panicking.
Oscar: [walking away] Oh my desk is over....
Creed Bratton: This gal. She's really into you?
Andy Bernard: Yeah! Yeah, I mean, I've seen her like three times today and we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room she totally looks up...
Creed Bratton: Ah ah. Say no more. This is how I got Sqeaky Fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy Bernard: Ok it sounds risky...
Creed Bratton: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy Bernard: [thinking] Wait what?

Julia: Thanks for walking me out.
Andy Bernard: Oh my pleasure, yeah. There's all kinds of weirdos out here so.
Julia: [laughs] You must be freezing.
Andy Bernard: I am about to die. Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?
Julia: Oh no it's ok. This is my car.
Andy Bernard: Ok, ok. Well, listen. You're a new client and as one of my new clients you will always be taken care of. And that, is the Nard Dog gurantee.
Julia: What's a Nard Dog?
Andy Bernard: This is the Nard Dog [leans in to kiss her]
Julia: Whoa. What the hell?
Andy Bernard: I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I thought we had this energy and I'm a mess and I just had my heart broken and you came in and you're so pretty, you're like incredibly pretty--
Julia: I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard.
Andy Bernard: Yea-- right?? Do you wanna talk about it? Go to a mall or something, just walk around?

[over the phone]
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert: How old's Kelly?
Dwight Schrute: Who is this?
Jim Halpert: It's Mose. Who do you think it is?
Dwight Schrute: Mose doesn't know how to use a phone so joke's on you.
Jim Halpert: Look I'm at the supermarket and they only have numbered candles. How old is she?
Dwight Schrute: Uhh, twenty-four. Thirty-seven.
Jim Halpert: Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation??
Dwight Schrute: I'll call you back.

Dwight Schrute: I have here, Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidential file. Allow me to share. Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berk's County Youth Center. Juvie. According to past employers, "it in no way affects her job performance--" Blah blah blah.

Michael Scott: You remember Holly? She used to work for HR.
Pam Beesly: No. Remind me.
Michael Scott: Blond hair. Nice, boobs. Not too big, not too small.
Pam Beesly: Perfect boobs. Of course, I remember Holly.
Michael Scott: She was the love of my life. What you and Jim had times a hundred.

Jim Halpert: I am collecting three dollars for everyone for Kelly's party.
Creed Bratton: Oh I'd like to contribute.
Jim Halpert: Oh great.
Creed Bratton: [takes out a three dollar bill and gives it to Jim]

Michael Scott: Toby Flenderson, report to the principal's office, your mother called and it appears you have wet the bed again so you have to get home and wash your sheets because they're yellow and wet with your urine.

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