Season 5

Frame Toby

Toby is back and not everybody is thrilled by it, especially Michael.

Memorable Office Quotes

[Kevin grabs two brownies and eats one rapidly]
Angela: Are you swallowing them whole? You're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue?
Kevin Malone: [mouth full of brownies] Yes.

Dwight Schrute: [walking into the conference room eating beef jurkey] Brownies is it? Hmph. Pastry cubes made of sugar and fat. No thank you, I'll stick with my jurkey.
Jim Halpert: So why'd you come in here?
Dwight Schrute: To socialize. And inform.

David Wallace: [over speakerphone] Now what I'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire week without knowing a member of your staff was there.
Michael Scott: I did not want to go back to the annex, because that is where Holly worked, whom I loved.
Dwight Schrute: Also, it's icky back there.
Michael Scott: That is true, people say it's icky.
David Wallace: [pause] Ok, I have to go.
Michael Scott: David, wait.
David Wallace: Nope.
Michael Scott: Is there any way we can get rid of him?
David Wallace: Not without cause, Michael!
Michael Scott: I have cause. It is be-"cause" I hate him.
David Wallace: You have to get along with Toby.
Michael Scott: No.
David Wallace: Yep.
Michael Scott: I don't.
David Wallace: Goodbye, Michael.
Michael Scott: [mouths] Damn.
Dwight Schrute: [walks over and starts massaging Michael Scott's shoulders]
Michael Scott: Don't do that.

Michael Scott: [watching Toby at Phyllis' desk through his office blinds] Look at him. With his stupid face. Stupid... tan. No.
Dwight Schrute: He looks great.
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Well rested.
Michael Scott: He looks worse.

Ryan Howard: [to Kelly picking up brownies] You're taking two?
Kelly: Yeah, um, but one of them is for Toby.
Michael Scott: [smiling] Yeah! Why don't you send that to him in Costa Rica.
Kelly: Um, I'm just gonna hand it to him right now.
Michael Scott: Okay. [laughing] Weirdo.
Jim Halpert: Why's that- why's that weird?
Michael Scott: She said she's going to give it to him right now. [snorts]
Jim Halpert: She's probably going to.. 'cause they sit next to each other.
Michael Scott: Yeah they used to.
Jim Halpert: [Jim stares into the camera then at Michael] Toby works here.
Michael Scott: Oh! Can you imagine?
Jim Halpert: Oh no. You don't know.
Michael Scott: I don't know. What?
Jim Halpert: You should probably just meander back there. Take a look. See if he's... if he's back.
Michael Scott: [taking it as a joke] Dare I? [laughing] You know what, I'm going to. For old time's sake!
[Michael walks into the annex and no one's there]
Michael Scott: [to camera] Great practical joke, Jim. You got me to go to the annex.
[Michael turns around right into Toby]
Michael Scott: [screaming] NOO GOD! NO. GOD. PLEASE. NO. NO!!! NO!!! NOOOOOO!!!-- [cuts to opening credits]

David Wallace: [over speakerphone] I don't understand. Is anyone hurt?
Michael Scott: Not on the surface, no. But I can tell people are disturbed, David.
David Wallace: [upset] Michael! You texted me. 911. Call me. All in caps. Do you know what 911 means?

Michael Scott: I learned a while back, that if I don't text 911 people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because, they think that something horrible, has happened.

David Wallace: [over speakerphone] Okay. I have to go.
Michael Scott: David wait!
David Wallace: No.
Michael Scott: Is there no way we can get rid of him?
David Wallace: Not without cause, Michael!
Michael Scott: I have cause! It is be'caause I hate him!

Andy Bernard: So, Tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I am. Wait. How do you know that I didn't tell you that.
Andy Bernard: Uhhh. No, I was just walking by your desk, saw some email. [points to his eyes] I got peepers of an eagle.
Jim Halpert: That's really not cool. [Andy makes a bird noise]

Kevin Malone: So, Jim. You're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I guess technically, Kev. You're right.

Jim Halpert: Today's a big day. Today's the day that I show Pam the house that I bought for us... without telling her. But it's my parent's house. The house I grew up in. And, yeah I bought it kind of impulsively. I mean the price was good, I was helping out my mom... Its got shag carpets. I mean you can't blame my parents it was the seventies. Why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees... when you could have paneling. And a painting of some creepy clowns, that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building. She's gonna love it! [long pause] Right?

Jim Halpert: Could you guys all do me a favor and not talk about this until I tell Pam?
Andy Bernard: Whoa, you haven't told the misses about the castle? You're in for a spanking my friend. Myself and my lady? - no secrets.
Phyllis: Jim, don't listen to Andy. I think it's so romantic.
Jim Halpert: Oh thanks, Phyllis.
Phyllis: Where's your place?
Jim Halpert: Oh, it's on uh Linden Ave? By the quarry?
Phyllis: Ohhh...
Creed Bratton: Cool beans, man, I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.
Jim Halpert: Definitely we should.

Phyllis: Where's your place?
Jim Halpert: [awkwardly] Oh, it's on, uh, Lyndon Ave.? By the quarry?
Phyllis: [disappointingly] Oh.
Creed Bratton: Cool beans man. I live by the quarry. We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there!
Jim Halpert: Definitely we should.

Michael Scott: You wanna see some real high-caliber acting? Well, Mr. Kurt Russell, you are about to be served.

Michael Scott: I tried. I tried! I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend... But that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy... And then, the murderer comes back. Starts killing off all of her friends. Learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them.

Dwight Schrute: I love catching people in the act. It's why I always whip open doors.

Dwight Schrute: Ok. Let's get this started. [stands up and loosens tie]
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I am the bait. [takes off his glasses]
Michael Scott: For.. what?
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: No no no.
Dwight Schrute: Oh it's a good day too; I'm wearing my mustard shirt.
Michael Scott: You're the bait for Toby? For one thing he's not gay. And if somebody were to be bait it would be Jim. Or Ryan. Or me.
Dwight Schrute: Men find me desirable.
Michael Scott: Yes. Sure they do Dwight.

Michael Scott: What I would like you to do, is take this folded note and deliver it to Toby Flenderson. I want you to just react to whatever this note illicits. Do not read it beforehand! Can you do that?
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Michael Scott: Good!
Pam Beesly: [opens the note] "Please hug and kiss me no matter how hard I struggle I am too shy to tell you that I love you."
Michael Scott: Damn it. Pam. You gave me your word.

Michael Scott: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
Dwight Schrute: What's that.
[Dwight closes the office door]
Dwight Schrute: Frame him. For using drugs.
Michael Scott: Frame him?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on The Shield is illegal.

Michael Scott: I've never framed a man before, have you?
Dwight Schrute: Oh I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.

Michael Scott: That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.

[waiting to buy drugs off a Vance Refrigeration employee]
Michael Scott: I'm not wearing a wire, so.
Vance Refrigeration Employee: Why would you even say that?

[in the conference room while police are in the office looking for Toby's drugs]
Creed Bratton: Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.

Ryan Howard: [breaks off kissing] I can't do this.
Kelly: Can't do what?
Ryan Howard: It's not fair to you. And it's really not fair to me.
Kelly: What are you saying? I broke up with Darryl so I could be with you.
Ryan Howard: That was your choice. Don't put that on me. I'm just going on a little trip.
Kelly: Oh can I come?
Ryan Howard: It's not that kind of trip. I'm going to Thailand with some friends from high school. Well, a high school. And if I don't do it now I'll never get to go. And I'll always resent you for it. You don't want me to resent you do you?
Kelly: So you're dumping me?
Ryan Howard: Let's me adults about this. Let's have sex one more time, and if you have any extra cash that would be amazing.
Kelly: ... okay.

Jim Halpert: So if you can believe it, I did it without a Realtor. So saving on closing costs is good. And, uh, we can put all the money to de-shag the carpet. [clears throat] Which I think will help... with the color situation. [joins Pam looking at the creepy clown art] Yeah. I am really sorry about this. I tried to move it but, she is really nailed in there. Worried about art theft I guess. A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood. [Pam moves onto another bedroom] This is the master bedroom, but [closes door] I'm not actually allowed in here, so.

Jim Halpert: Look. I know. I bought this without asking you and, it doesn't, look great. I know that. And if you really hate it, I totally understand. It's just--
Pam Beesly: I love it.
Jim Halpert: You do.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I love it!
Jim Halpert: Really?
Pam Beesly: [freaking out] I mean you bought me a house!
Jim Halpert: Oh my God.
Pam Beesly: You bought me a house!
Jim Halpert: [beaming] Yeah. I did.
[Pam kisses Jim]
Pam Beesly: Oh. Do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom?
Jim Halpert: No. No we'll just board that up. It'll be that weird spare room that people ask us about.
Pam Beesly: And the clown?
Jim Halpert: Yeah I really can't move him.

Michael Scott: You said you were leaving and you made liars out of all of us.
Toby Flenderson: I did leave.
Michael Scott: Yes. You did. And then you came back. Which makes you the biggest liar of the history.
Toby Flenderson: I don't see it that way.
Michael Scott: You wanna hear a lie?
Toby Flenderson: What?
Michael Scott: I... think you're great. You're my best friend.

Dwight Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

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