Season 5

Customer Survey

Dwight and Jim are shocked when they get the results of the annual customer survey report.

Memorable Office Quotes

Michael Scott: Hey, sport.
Dwight Schrute: I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder]
Michael Scott: Ow! God!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!

Darryl: I was there and that dude is not engaged [referring to Michael]. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'd go into my own pocket to cover his copay.

Andy Bernard: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Michael Scott: No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we'd never do that.
Michael Scott: Yeah, so there you go.
Kelly: [enters Michael's office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow, so quickly.
Kelly: Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Kevin Malone: Michael, did you tell your mom yet?
Michael Scott: Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Jim Halpert: You wouldn't tell your mom?
Kevin Malone: You love your mom.
Kelly: Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking]
Michael Scott: I'll call her later.
Group: [chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her!
Michael Scott: I don't want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out!
Andy Bernard: [punches button] Speakerphone!
Michael Scott: That's -- thanks.
Michael's Mother: [on speakerphone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Mom, I'm getting married.
Michael's Mother: No, you're not.
Michael Scott: Why do you always do that? Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
Michael's Mother: Well, are you getting married?
Michael Scott: No. [laughs]
Michael's Mother: Are you-- [Michael ends call]
Michael Scott: I'm not, I'm not getting married. So... [laughs] Psych.

Kelly: So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100.
Michael Scott: And I'm out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Kelly: Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and -- oh. Oh, it's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What's that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael]
Michael Scott: I'll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks.

Michael Scott: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. "Schindler's List" parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.

Jim Halpert: Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn't know from looking at her, but Pam's a gold digger.
Pam Beesly: [over Jim's bluetooth] Hey, New York ain't free! Get back to work!

Pam Beesly: It's the world's tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something.
Jim Halpert: [on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody.
Pam Beesly: We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone.
Alex: Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee?
Jim and Pam Beesly: Sprinkle of cinnamon.
Pam Beesly: I should go.

Michael Scott: Alrighty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.
Dwight Schrute: Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael's desk]
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Dwight Schrute: What does it say?
Michael Scott: Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
Dwight Schrute: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
Dwight Schrute: I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Michael Scott: Do I look like I am joking?
Dwight Schrute: No, but that's sometimes part of it.
Michael Scott: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Dwight Schrute: Impossible to say. I can't see myself.
Michael Scott: You're not.

Andy Bernard: Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Andy Bernard: I got mine. They were really good.
Pam Beesly: [listening in New York] I miss him.
Jim Halpert: You must be really proud.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That's my mug.
Jim Halpert: Oh, sorry. It was just -- it was right here.
Andy Bernard: Right, well, it's mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.
Jim Halpert: OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that's in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh -- Snoopy.
Pam Beesly: Don't give him Snoopy. That's mine.
Andy Bernard: [smiles] It is a great mug. But it's not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
Jim Halpert: How can you even be sure?
Andy Bernard: It has my face on it.
Jim Halpert: [holds mug next to Andy's head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don't see it.
Andy Bernard: Dude, that is my face!

Pam Beesly: [over bluetooth, referring to Dwight] Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
Jim Halpert: It is more a spicy brown actually.
Dwight Schrute: What are you mumbling about?
Jim Halpert: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight Schrute: None of your business.
Jim Halpert: Was it your scores?
Dwight Schrute: Those can't be my scores, Jim. For your information --
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: I'm being sabotaged.
Jim Halpert: Of course.
Dwight Schrute: And I'm going to find that person and punish them.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight Schrute: You're an idiot.
Jim Halpert: There's the charm.
Michael Scott: Jimbo, let's do this thang.
Jim Halpert: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight Schrute: No way.
Pam Beesly: [whispers on bluetooth] Good luck.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't say anything
Pam Beesly: I love you.
Jim Halpert: I love you, too.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think I am saying to you?!
Jim Halpert: I'm not talking to you.

Dwight Schrute: I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.

Michael Scott: If I were joking you would be laughing. Do you look like you're laughing?
Dwight Schrute: Impossible to say, I can't see myself.
Michael Scott: You're not.

[Jim has Pam on the phone through his bluetooth device in his ear]
Michael Scott: Jimbo, let's do this thaang.
Jim Halpert: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight Schrute: No way.
Pam Beesly: [in Jim's ear] Good luck.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't say anything.
Pam Beesly: [in Jim's ear] I love you.
Jim Halpert: I love you too.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think I am saying to you!?
Jim Halpert: I'm not talking to you.
Dwight Schrute: [cut to talking head] I've caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. [to camera] Get a friend, loser.

Andy Bernard: I found the best "tentist" on the East coast. He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings. And I got him. [pumping fist] I got him!
[cuts back to Andy on the phone]
Andy Bernard: Would you be able to do the same design but with walls of gray. And the top of it's gray too? Fabulous.

Jim Halpert: Are we even sure that's my file?
Michael Scott: No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It --
Jim Halpert: Well, there's got to be an explanation.
Michael Scott: I agree.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: So let's see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Jim Halpert: I think you mean smug
Michael Scott: [points at Jim] Arrogance.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I'm just trying to --
Michael Scott: And there's our smudgeness.

Jim Halpert: So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam Beesly: Maybe it's because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim Halpert: Little bit. Worth it.

[in the conference room with two phones on the table]
Michael Scott: Now Jim is going to be the client, Dwight you are going to have to sell to him without being [reading Dwight's performance review] aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: Alright. Fine. [picks up phone] Brring, bring.
Jim Halpert: [picks up] Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Hello this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Jim Halpert: Well that's great because I need paper.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent then you are in luck because we a limited time offer only on everything!
Jim Halpert: Wow this is my lucky day.
Michael Scott: [whispering to Dwight] Ask him his name.
Dwight Schrute: What is your name, sir?
Jim Halpert: I am Bill Butlicker.
Dwight Schrute: Really, that's your real name?
Jim Halpert: How dare you? My family built this country by the way!
Michael Scott: Be respectful, Dwight. Please.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Michael.
Jim Halpert: Could you hold on one second that's my other line. Hello? [laughing] Yeah I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything.
Michael Scott: [after Dwight looks over at him] It's up to you to change his mind.
Jim Halpert: Sorry that was a.. family emergency.
Dwight Schrute: Oh no, what's wrong.
Jim Halpert: You know what? That's private.
Michael Scott: Boundaries, Dwight! Come on!
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry Mr. Butlicker. As I was saying, we are having--
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder I'm hard of hearing.
Michael Scott: He's hard of-- He's an old man.
Dwight Schrute: As I was saying, right now--
Jim Halpert: You're gonna have talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Our prices have never been lower--
Jim Halpert: Son you have to talk louder.
Dwight Schrute: Never been lower!--
Jim Halpert: LOUDER, SON!
Dwight Schrute: BUTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!--
Michael Scott: Stop it! [whispering] That is totally inappropriate! You never yell at the client! You never yell at the client.
Jim Halpert: Now you listen to me, sir.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Jim Halpert: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult! I'm irate right now!
Dwight Schrute: Mr. Butlicker!-- I have to put you on with my boss.
Michael Scott: Hello this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim Halpert: Well this is William M. Butlicker.
Michael Scott: Hello Mr. Butlicker, how may we help you?
Jim Halpert: Michael I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
Michael Scott: [covering mic] See how it's done? Thank you very much sir I don't think you'll regret it.
Dwight Schrute: You are the master!
Jim Halpert: There is one condition, Michael. You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight Schrute: Don't do it Michael.
Michael Scott: It's a million dollar sale...

Andy Bernard: So it's called the Shangri-La Tent. It's two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It's just really simple, really tasteful.
Angela: I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo
Andy Bernard: Hobos live in trains.
Angela: Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.
Andy Bernard: Well, Nana Mim -- Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
Angela: OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it's in a field, a hand-plowed field
Andy Bernard: Done and done-er.
Angela: There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Andy Bernard: Do you have a specific place in mind?
Angela: No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.
Andy Bernard: On it!

Jim Halpert: Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight's car comes screeching into view]
Dwight Schrute: Get in!
Jim Halpert: Are you serious?
Dwight Schrute: Get in! [he peels off into parking space]
Jim Halpert: OK, what are you --
Dwight Schrute: Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing "Centerfold."] They might be listening to us.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Dwight Schrute: They might be listening to us
Jim Halpert: Who's they?
Dwight Schrute: Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Jim Halpert: In this car?
Dwight Schrute: You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Jim Halpert: [turns radio down] What are you thinking?
Dwight Schrute: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Jim Halpert: The mob, maybe NASA.
Dwight Schrute: Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there's little evidence of that.
Jim Halpert: Is there some evidence?
Pam Beesly: [on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online.
Jim Halpert: How many shoes do you need?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?
Jim Halpert: I'm not talking to you.
Dwight Schrute: Who are you talking to?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Dwight Schrute: She's not here, Jim!
Jim Halpert: No, she's not.

Andy Bernard: I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It's Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.

Customer: [on phone] So I'd like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um --
Dwight Schrute: Wait, shut up.
Customer: I'm sorry?
Dwight Schrute: Shh. Do you hear that?
Customer: Hear what?
Dwight Schrute: Breathing. Is that you?
Customer: Well, I am breathing, yes.
Dwight Schrute: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away]
Customer: I need paper.

Kelly: Dwight get out of my nook!
Pam Beesly: That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!
Jim Halpert: [pause as he looks at the camera] Nice one.

Jim Halpert: Do you have any reason to believe Kelly would be mad at me?
Ryan Howard: Oh I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high-stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. Can I tell you what else I learned? [sips out of his mug]
Jim Halpert: Wait, that's, pretty weird.
Ryan Howard: What?
Jim Halpert: Well Andy has a mug just like that.
Ryan Howard: Oh yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.
Jim Halpert: No. What party?
Ryan Howard: Her America's Got Talent Finale party over the summer. That's crazy it was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there, I remember you being there.

Dwight Schrute: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy Bernard: We haven't decided on anything yet. We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight Schrute: Well, then. Why don't you look over some of our materials? [opens album]
Andy Bernard: Oh. Hmm.
Dwight Schrute: [looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight's view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.
Andy Bernard: That's very generous.
Dwight Schrute: While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy Bernard: Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight's hand]
Dwight Schrute: OK.
Andy Bernard: Um, what are we talking price wise?
Dwight Schrute: You already said deal.
Angela: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy Bernard: Can't argue with that. Dwight ... [takes Angela's hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other]

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