Season 5

Crime Aid

Michael organizes a charity auction after the office gets broken into.

Memorable Office Quotes

Michael Scott: So when, um, can I see you again?
Holly: Um tonight. I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? [both laugh] I don't care, I'm free tonight.
Michael Scott: Ok. Oh, wait. Oh tonight's no good because I am busy, taking you out.
Holly: Ohh I just remembered. I can't tonight.
Michael Scott: Why?
Holly: I'm going out with you.
Michael Scott: Ohh wait a second. Oh I can't tonight! Tonight's so.. Alright too many times.

Michael Scott: In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where.. you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Phyllis Vance: [to Dwight who is sharpening a piece of wood with a knife] You making a knife with a knife?
Dwight Schrute: You got a better way?

Phyllis Vance: Wanna talk about it?
Dwight Schrute: About what.
Phyllis Vance: You know I know. You know they know. [looks at camera]
Dwight Schrute: I know none of that. And if I did, you'd be the last to know.

Holly: Oh the mall could be fun.
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Holly: We could go to the food court, get different foods. You could get chicken teriyaki, I could get a hot dog.
Michael Scott: Some of what we order depends on if we're having sex after. [both pause, then laugh] Woah! Elephant in the room! Are we, do you think? Do you think we're going to have sex tonight?
Holly: Hell yeah.
Michael Scott: Ok so we do the restaurant thing and we can do.. we'll just do the restaurant thing first.
[cut to talking head]
Michael Scott: Probably get soup, or something light.

Dwight Schrute: She introduced me to so many things: Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism. Presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis Vance: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight Schrute: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis Vance: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Just I don't get it.
Phyllis Vance: What don't you get?
Dwight Schrute: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis Vance: Angela's not really a risk taker, and Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight Schrute: [long, thoughtful pause] That's really fattening.
Phyllis Vance: No... I put lettuce..

Holly: I didn't forget my keys, I just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. Do you think they can hear us?
Michael Scott: Not if we turn these dials alll the way down. [increases mic volume] And now they can't hear us at all.
Holly: Oh good.
Michael Scott: We're totally alone!

Oscar: Great. They stole my laptop.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, well, they stole my surge protector.
Oscar: How does that even compare!
Kevin Malone: Oscar I'm now going to be prone to surges.

Michael Scott: Oh my God, what happened?
Jim Halpert: We were robbed last night.
Dwight Schrute: Bravo, Watson. [to Michael] Looks like a classic seven man job. Ok, security tapes were stolen. Motives: Financial or possibly HP vintage computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out, and that's all we have.

Michael Scott: [after robbery] So much for sex without consequences.

Jim Halpert: So apparently Pam went out last night. And accidentally called my work phone at three in the morning, so... I'm on minute six of this message. [hangs up phone] The future mother of my children.

Angela: I never felt safe here.
Andy Bernard: You're always safe with me, I'm a very good screamer. And one day, we're going to move to Disney's Celebration Village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
Angela: I would very much like that.

Dwight Schrute: [on proposing an ultimatum] Are you sure that's going to work!?
Phyllis Vance: It when Bob said I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much.

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? [whispering] Creed Bratton.

Angela: Who would EVER come to this?
Michael Scott: I don't know. It could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be a old person. It could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springstein fan? What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes without saying, bare with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady. It seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy, there's really something going on here.
Jim Halpert: Do you need us for any of this?
Michael Scott: Do I?

Holly: Michael scored the big ticket item: Springsteen tickets. The boss scored the boss!
Michael Scott: Yeah. I think that's pretty boss!
Holly: He knows how to get things. He got me.
Michael Scott: Woahhh!
Holly: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Twice. Right?
Both: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Dwight Schrute: Listen to me close, because I'm only going to say this once. You either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me, or you can say goodbye to this [gestures toward his groin]
Angela: I think you have me confused with another person.
Dwight Schrute: I said I was only going to say it once. You have until 6:14pm. [Angela starts leaving] 6:14!
Angela: I heard you.

Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman Fast Car. And my personal favorite: Short People.

Michael Scott: [bangs gavel] The hell is that?
Phyllis Vance: It's the only gavel I could find.
Michael Scott: It squeaks when you bang it. That's what she said.

Dwight Schrute: Phyllis, someone let the air out of your tires. Come quick.
Phyllis Vance: Oh dear.
[cut to shot of Phyllis' deflated tires]
Dwight Schrute: I had to get your attention, this is an emergency.
Phyllis Vance: Why couldn't have just said it, why did you actually do it?

Dwight Schrute: Oh, I get it. You're trying to secure your place as head of the party planning committee. You're just being selfish.
[Phyllis slaps Dwight]
Dwight Schrute: And you slap like a girl.

[Jim turns around after deciding not to check up on Pam]
Jim Halpert: No. You know what? No. Because, I'm not that guy. And [laughing] we are not that couple.

Holly: The Springsteen tickets seemed too good to be true. But, a lot of Michael seems too good to be true. But so far it's all true. But, yeah, those tickets, really seemed too good to be true.

Advertise Here!