Season 5

Business Ethics

Following Ryan's recent scandal at corporate, Holly must hold a business ethics seminar. The meeting gets out of control when Michael lets everyone speak freely about their unethical behavior at work.

Memorable Office Quotes

Jim Halpert: Everybody, just wanted to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged.
Pam Beesly: [over phone] Hi everyone!
Oscar: I thought you were already engaged.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Angela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, Angela.
Kevin Malone: I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Andy Bernard: Little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here?
Jim Halpert: To get married.
Dwight Schrute: She's not a virgin, you know.
Pam Beesly: Wow.
Michael Scott: [walks in] What's going on?
Pam Beesly: No, nothing. Nothing, Michael! Just saying hi.
Creed Bratton: The tall guy got engaged.
Michael Scott: To be married?
Jim Halpert: Yep. [Michael drops his briefcase and tackles Jim with a hug]
Pam Beesly: Sorry.

Holly: Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. ...No, it's not. I have to read from the binder.

Michael Scott: When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times.

Andy Bernard: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!
Oscar: Exactly, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yeah. I took Intro to Philosophy - twice! No big deal.

Angela: I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

Merideth: I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Myers? The Scranton rep for Hammermill?
Michael Scott: BRRRRUUUCCCEEEE.
Merideth: Well, for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates.
Jim Halpert: Jackpot.
Michael Scott: Ach! Wha...?
Holly: Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods.
Merideth: Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey?
Michael Scott: That's crazy. That's crazy talk, Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right...what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is...unknowable. But let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work.

Holly: So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been?
Merideth: Liaisons? You mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years, something like that.
Michael Scott: Meredith, why don't you tell Holly...it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened...and that you just like to sleep around.
Merideth: Am I in trouble here or something?
Michael Scott: No, no, this is just a stupid formality.
Holly: No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, "meet-ups" just personal? Unrelated to business?
Merideth: Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms.
Michael Scott: Ugh! For the love of God we're trying to help you...stupid bag.

Michael Scott: Okay, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her.
Holly: We punish her?
Michael Scott: Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months.

Jim Halpert: [about timing Dwight on personal time during office hours] He has not stopped working...for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed, while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed. And I know that because he did that in an open soda bottle, under the desk, while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I've been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today.

Jim Halpert: Hey Andy.
Andy Bernard: Yo!
Jim Halpert: By any chance did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
Andy Bernard: No, I did not. Is that any good?
Jim Halpert: Actually not. It's really so-so.
Dwight Schrute: [turning] Ok...
Jim Halpert: [showing Dwight the stopwatch]
Dwight Schrute: [faces his desk and says nothing]
Jim Halpert: Man like the whole "crazy monsters" and stuff like Klingons and Wookies and all that but...
Dwight Schrute: [turns again]
Jim Halpert: [turns and shows Dwight the stopwatch again] Sorry, was there something you wanted to add Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: [says nothing and continues to work]
Andy Bernard: Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica?
Jim Halpert: You know what's weird? It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Andy Bernard: Really? Huh, that's cool.
Dwight Schrute: [crumples papers trying to resist the urge to speak out]
Jim Halpert: [watching Dwight with stopwatch ready]
Jim Halpert: The story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Dwight Schrute: Ok...
Andy Bernard: Really, that doesn't sound right...

Ryan Howard: Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in, too.
Michael Scott: What's the only thing worse than one HR rep?
Ryan Howard: Two HR reps.
Michael Scott: You get me.

Jim Halpert: Everybody, just wanted to make an announcment. Pam and I are engaged.
Pam Beesly: [over phone] Hi everyone!
Oscar: I thought you were already engaged.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Angela: That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, Angela.
Kevin Malone: I got a gift for Pam and Roy, do I have to get another one?
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Andy Bernard: Little close to my engagement there, Tuna. What's your game here?
Jim Halpert: To get married.
Dwight Schrute: She's not a virgin you know.

Michael Scott: Why are you helping her? You're not even dating her. She's my friend, and ultimately, my strategy is to merge this into a relationship without her even knowing.

Ryan Howard: Ok. Elephant in the room! Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor, Season 6? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? In New York city, I hooked up with a girl that looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So.

Holly: Let's start discussing those questionaires that you filled in this morning. 'It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours.' Now some of you marked that you Very Strongly Agree. Ideally you would've selected Totally Agree.
Phyllis: I thought Very Strongly Agree sounded stronger than Totally Agree.
Holly: Corporate would like to emphasize that, ideally, you would all totally agree with that statement.
Michael Scott: Well, I think that we can all totally agree that Holly is fantastic.

Holly: Can anyone think of things that are over-the-line time wasters?
Stanley: This meeting.
Andy Bernard: Heyo! [muddled laughter]
Michael Scott: [to Holly, matter-of-factly] Can't set 'em up like that.

Michael Scott: [whispering seriously to Holly] People, expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. You need to meet Robin Williams and M. Night Shamalhin. You need to be Robin Shamahin.
Holly: I just have to get through the binder.
Michael Scott: You're- just- you're kinda losing them.
Holly: I am?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Don't, think about the stakes. They'll freak you out.

Merideth: Maybe it's a girl thing... But after we did it, and he gave me those coupons, I just felt good about myself.

Michael Scott: Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two, attractive, good-looking, intelligent, attractive people, can't, you know, just sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out.
Holly: Sounds good.
Michael Scott: Good. [pause] Would you care to bang it out over lunch?

Jim Halpert: 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds--
Dwight Schrute: None of your business.
Jim Halpert: So I can we can assume that was... personal?

Holly: It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me, and my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over.

Michael Scott: How do you tell someone, that you care about, deeply, I told you so. Gently? With a rose? In a funny way? Like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go. Because saying it would just make it worse. [...] Probably the funny way.

Michael Scott: [walks in and Jim announced him and Pam are engaged] What's going on?
Pam Beesly: [over the speakerphone] No, nothing. Nothing, Michael. Just saying hi.
Creed Bratton: The tall guy got engaged.
Michael Scott: [to Jim] To be married?!
Jim Halpert: Yep.
[Michael hurls himself at Jim with enough force to knock Jim onto the ground with a thud]
Pam Beesly: Sorry.

Oscar: Once, once one in a while, I, I'll take a long lunch break.
Michael Scott: A siesta!
Dwight Schrute: Time thief! Time thief! Fire him!
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight Schrute: Never!
Michael Scott: You are a thief of joy.

Michael Scott: I will be honest with you, that car ride did not go well. And that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I'm holding onto her leftovers. [throws leftovers in trash]

Michael Scott: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job, it's her only source of money.
Holly: Well that's very sweet, but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules.
Michael Scott: OK new idea, we don't report her at all. We just punish her.
Holly: We punish her?
Michael Scott: Tell her, can't have sex for 6 months.

Holly: Excuse me. May I have everyone's attention please. We need to finish the ethics seminar.
Andy Bernard: No way lady.
Kevin Malone: It's a trap.
Holly: Everyone please, I just need your signatures to show corporate I gave you the training.
Merideth: Don't sign anything.
Michael Scott: Ok everyone listen up, if you're not in that conference room in 2 minutes I am going to kill you.
Stanley: It's a quarter to 5 and I've already started to gather my things.
Michael Scott: Get in there right now or I am going to loose it!

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