Season 5

Baby Shower

Michael practices for the birth of Jan's baby by having Dwight go over possible birthing scenarios. Meanwhile, Michael tells Holly that he will pretend to dislike her for Jan's benefit.

Memorable Office Quotes

Jim Halpert: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Dwight Schrute: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.

Michael Scott: Is this it? I mean is this...two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what, Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. You know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis?

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Michael Scott: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But...cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no...government, and...things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.

Phyllis: [in interview] I do enjoy being a part of the party planning committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grapehead is under mine.
Michael Scott: [knocks on window] Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Don't talk to them.
Phyllis: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Make the party. Make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts pumping a balloon] Pump it!

Michael Scott: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I'm going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is so bizarre and unnatural, but it...it happens.

Michael Scott: [to Holly] Listen, Jan Levinson is coming in today and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. A child, of which, I have a vested interest. So...kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly fat and enormous right now. Extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold, to you. And I'm doing this to...pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.

Dwight Schrute: Michael, my waters breaking!
Michael Scott: Oh Okay! Okay!
Dwight Schrute: Aaaaaaah! What do you do? What do you do?
Michael Scott: I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital.
Dwight Schrute: Right. Highways or surface roads?
Michael Scott: I take Quincy Avenue to Gibson.
Dwight Schrute: No. Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. ADAPT!
Michael Scott: I checked the route there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby.
Dwight Schrute: It's about adapting to the circumstances!
Michael Scott: Andy, would you like to have my baby?
Andy Bernard: [jumping from his chair] YES! [Begins to imitate giving birth by yelling]
Dwight Schrute: No. Okay, No. I'M CROWNING! I'M CROWNING! [Both Andy and Dwight yell louder]

Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Darryl: What's up, Mike?
Michael Scott: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: You a baby daddy?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.
Michael Scott: I just saw this baby daddy-
Darryl: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy."
Michael Scott: Why, Darryl? Because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl: Because you're not a daddy and it's not your baby.
Michael Scott: Well-
Darryl: You feel connected to his baby over there? [points to a random worker]
Michael Scott: It's...that's different.
Darryl: You feel connected to this? [holds up his back brace]
Michael Scott: That's not a baby.
Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?
Michael Scott: ...Could I?
Darryl: No.

Pam Beesly: [over their phones] "Hey it's Jim, leave a message." [beep] Hi.
Jim Halpert: "Hey this is Pam, leave a message." Hey! It's me. It is 5:03.
Pam Beesly: I figured I'd catch you walking to your car but--
Jim Halpert: Guess you must be out or something.
Pam Beesly: I'll leave a message.
Jim Halpert: Is it me, or are we a little off today?
Pam Beesly: I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better.
Jim Halpert: Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues.
Pam Beesly: I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you.
Jim Halpert: Hey you remember that time I helped you do your laundry, and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam Beesly: And then remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer/ dryer?
Jim Halpert: And yet here you are, back in a laundromat. You know I'm just trying to help you, Beesley. Be safe.
Pam Beesly: You're probably upset I'm even at a laundromat right now, but, don't worry. I'm being safe. And I'm headed home-- I'm headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim Halpert: Wish you were home. Um, anyway--
Pam Beesly: Anyway, um. I miss you.
Jim Halpert: I miss you.

Jan: There is, uh, there is one more thing you can do for me.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Jan: Don't date Holly.
Michael Scott: W-Wha-- that's-- I hate her. Wh--God... Why would you even ask me to-- I- I mean not that it matters because I don't but w-- Okay! Alright. Fine.

Michael Scott: I didn't feel much, when I held Astrid... But I got a good feeling from Holly.

Dwight Schrute: [stress testing Jan's stroller] I like to call this, the bumper test.

Jan: Michael, I need your help.
Michael Scott: I was just going to, uh, I was just going to talk to Holly. About her... hygiene. She smells like, old tomatoes. And dirt.

Dwight Schrute: Hold me! Cradle my hand!
Michael Scott: I’m right here, I’m right here.
Dwight Schrute: I'm screaming! I'm screaming! I'm screaming! Aah! Numb me up! I want anesthesia!

Dwight Schrute: Do you have the sharpie!
Michael Scott: Yes, I do!
Dwight Schrute: Ok. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy.

Michael Scott: [drops Dwight's watermelon baby] Ohh God! Wow! What was on that?
Dwight Schrute: Butter! Newborns are slippery.
Michael Scott: Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again!

Michael Scott: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

Andy Bernard: [walking into the conference room with his baby picture] Got the 'Nard puppy, for ya... what's goin' on here?
Angela: It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.
Andy Bernard: Aww. Check it out. Who would've thought, that this little baby would be marrying that little baby.
Angela: That's Phyllis.
Andy Bernard: It-- well--
Angela: Yeah. It is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert.
Andy Bernard: Wait. Why does that make me a pervert? I-- I--
Angela: Well it does.

Michael Scott: Let’s get our shower on! Conference room. Choppity chip chop.

Dwight Schrute: Jan had the baby, and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

Michael Scott: Can I hold her?
Jan: Yes. Yes you can.
[Michael gets up and walks over to Jan's baby]
Jan: You know, I think just leave her, in the car seat.

Kevin Malone: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael Scott: Yeah, duhh.
Kevin Malone: Yea, so, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of 'em.
Michael Scott: No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby multiplies the fun. So let's just do what you were going to do.
Kevin Malone: Okay... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born.

Dwight Schrute: Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible.

Pam Beesly: I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. [picking up towel] Oh great, I washed my lipstick.

Jim Halpert: [over the phone to Pam] Ok you gotta hear this. Jan's shower is going on right now, she's singing Son of a Preacher Man. Everyone's just STARING at her! Like, the song is about losing your virginity next to a church. And guess what? She's been singing for the last twenty minutes!
Pam Beesly: I can hear anything!
Jim Halpert: Oh. Oh ok. Well you know what, I, uh, just uh, call me later.
Pam Beesly: Okay?

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