Memorable quotes from the hit NBC show "The Office"

Office Quotes from Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Andy Bernard & more!

Season 4

Chair Model

Michael’s fascination with a woman modeling a chair in an office supply catalog makes him feel things he hasn’t felt in a while. With Michael distracted, Kevin and Andy team up to win back Dunder Mifflin’s stolen parking spaces, forcing them into a showdown with the bosses of the five businesses of the office park.

Memorable Quotes

Pam Beesly: Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Pam Beesly: Nature.

Oscar: I've been here nine years now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away?
Andy Bernard: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

Kevin Malone: As God as my witness, I will quit, if this is not fixed!
Pam Beesly: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin Malone: It hurts like hell.

Pam Beesly: Did you pick a new chair? It's been a while.
Michael Scott: Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.
Pam Beesly: But you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair.
[cut to Pam talking]
Pam Beesly: Michael started the process of picking out a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's once of these [lowers down in her chair] pshhhhoo. I really want it.

Michael Scott: [holds up a product catalog] Have you ever seen this woman?
Pam Beesly: Her? The one in the really great, mesh, high-back, swivel chair?
Michael Scott: Look at her smile. Her eyes-- look at her eyes. She's got, I don't know what it is exactly. She dresses professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.
Pam Beesly: And great chair.
Michael Scott: Ah. Yeah. Maybe.

Michael Scott: Remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women.
Pam Beesly: I definitely remember your dinner party.
Michael Scott: I think what I meant was that I am completely swearing off one woman. Jan.

Michael Scott: I think that fate put this catalog in my hand.
Pam Beesly: Actually I put the catalog in your hand because you have to pick out a new chair.

Michael Scott: What is it like being single? I like it! I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic, because everyday I get a little more desperate. And desperate situations yield the quickest results.

Creed: [on the phone with Pam] Yo. Is this his new chair?
Pam Beesly: No. He hasn't picked one yet.
Creed: Gah.
[cut to Creed talking]
Creed: When Pam gets Michael's new chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go.

Michael Scott: I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up, with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template! That will be all.

Andy Bernard: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis: Call us when you get there so we know you're ok

Michael Scott: Listen man. I am completely over Jan. So, would you set me up?
Kevin Malone: If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael, then I'd take her for myself.
Michael Scott: I thought you were engaged.
Kevin Malone: Nope. Stacey, broke up with me.
Michael Scott: What? God that's terrible man. She's crazy. Um. Are you still on good terms with any of her friends.
Kevin Malone: Not anymore, it's a bitter situation.
Michael Scott: [walking away] You don't deserve her.

Michael Scott: Hey there Oscar Meyer Wiener -lover. I bet, that you have a bunch of very liberal girl-type friends, who trust you implicitly, because they know you'd never touch them given your condition.

Phyllis: Michael?
Michael Scott: What.
Phyllis: I have a friend who's single.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Phyllis: Sandy. She gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality too.
Michael Scott: Hmmm feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?
Phyllis: Mm no she's a professional softball player.
Michael Scott: Ewwh... Catcher or in-field?
Phyllis: I donno Michael.
Michael Scott: Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a rowboat? Could a rowboat support her?
Phyllis: What are you asking?
Michael Scott: I think I'm being very clear, what I'm asking. Would an average size rowboat support her without capsizing? [long pause] It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
Phyllis: No. Alright? No she can't fit on a rowboat.
Michael Scott: Yes! I knew it. I knew it! Phyllis, okay.

Michael Scott: Now ok, I know that this is probably now "appropriate." But I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids, before I get too old. And before that happens, I need to get laid. And, before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear, "oooh I can't help euhh." No. No. I'm a catch. And I am not going to be the one who got away. So this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards, and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date. By the end of the day. No. By the end of the hour. Or you are fired.
Dwight Schrute: Write legibly people.

Michael Scott: That would be bad.
Andy Bernard: Okay so... help us out?
Michael Scott: Wish I could. But I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shortn't.
Kevin Malone: Michael, please--
Michael Scott: What part of shortn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I can probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.
Andy Bernard: We won't let you down.
Michael Scott: [under his breath] You can't do that; I don't care.

Michael Scott: Don't forget to fill out those cards! My love cards.

Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write their name on this card.
Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway and he can just deal with it.

Pam Beesly: Who are you writing down?
Jim Halpert: Oh you don't know her.
Pam Beesly: Who is it?
Jim Halpert: Your mom?
Pam Beesly: Yeah whatever. [giggling] Give that to me..

Michael Scott: Okay. Wendy. "Hot and juicy redhead." I'll give this a try. [dials number]
Wendy's: Wendy.
Michael Scott: Hello, Wendy. This is Kevin's friend, Michael.
Wendy's: This.. isn't Wendy.
Michael Scott: Oh I'm sorry could you put her on please.
Wendy's: This is a Wendy's resturant.
Michael Scott: Okay.. Okay. Could I just have a Frosty and a baked potato please.
Wendy's: You have to come to the resturant to order food.
Michael Scott: Well I'll send somebody to pick it up. Just have it ready.
Wendy's: It's ready now.
Michael Scott: Well put it aside. [hangs up phone]

Michael Scott: Um this one says Chair Model?
Dwight Schrute: I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her, and I will bring her to you. And as God as my witness, she shall bare your fruit.
Michael Scott: [smiling] That sounds good. Go get 'er. W-w-w-wait-- First, go to Wendy's get my food, come back and then go.

Dwight Schrute: The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used the Wilkes Barre Modeling Agency. The agency gave me the following information: Debra Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed.

Michael Scott: She's dead? But she's so young.
Dwight Schrute: She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal that has ever died.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: Why don't you sit down Michael. [helps Michael into his chair] There we go.
Jim Halpert: Michael you didn't even know her.
Michael Scott: Try not to be so hurtful, Jim. Please, not at a time like this.
[Jim looks over at Pam who is shaking her head]

Pam Beesly: Ok Michael. You know what, I might have a name for you.
Michael Scott: Oh really. What's her name? Burger King?
Pam Beesly: No. She's really nice and sweet. You guys might actually get along.
Michael Scott: I don't.. I don't think I'm ready-- is she hot?

Michael Scott: No question about it I am ready to get hurt again.

Kevin Malone: The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin; Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration; Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited, they call him Cool Guy Paul; W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air, grade A badass; and Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Die, Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

Michael Scott: She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold my bachelorette. I give her 10 for looks and a 3 for her ability to describe herself. Hello milady.
[woman walks past and ignores Michael]
Margaret: Michael?
Michael Scott: Eeuh.
Margaret: Are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Is who Michael what?
Margaret: Oh. I'm sorry I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's not, yeah me--
Server: Michael? Michael. Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.

Michael Scott: You wanna see what I walked out on? [takes out camera] This is going to blow your mind. Look at that.
Margaret: She's beautiful.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. And, you can't see her whole body, down here. She had a boob job. Just-- she was just crazy smart and really manipulative. I dunno.
Jan: [through the speakerphone] Michael? Hello? Michael!

Margaret: Well I'm gonna head out.
Michael Scott: Oh. Okay. Well, um, I enjoyed this, conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus.
Margaret: That's incredibly rude.
Michael Scott: Now you ruined it. [walks out]

Andy Bernard: Gentlemen, please. We called this meeting. Andy Bernard, is the name of me. And this is my associate Mr. Kevin Malone.
W.B. Jones: Alright. What do you want?
Andy Bernard: Well first of all, I'd just like to say what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen.
W.B. Jones: You have about ten seconds.
Kevin Malone: We want our parking spaces back!
Paul Faust: Whose parking spaces?
Kevin Malone: W.B. Jones's construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning, and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office, and some people sweat too much for comfort and--
Bill Cress: My God.
Paul Faust: I don't have time for this guys. Just give 'em back their spaces.
W.B. Jones: Okay.
Paul Faust: We good? Okay. Could've done this over email.

Kevin Malone: After Stacey left, it was... it did not go well for a while... and it was hard to see... It's just nice to win one.

Jim Halpert: Margaret?
Pam Beesly: I know.
Jim Halpert: You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.
Pam Beesly: [laughs] Oh I don't really care I don't like that place that much anyway I'll just move.
Jim Halpert: Oh really. Who's gonna take you in? You're messy; you're a klutz, you spill everything; and you leave the volume on the tv, way too loud.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend because he's kind of a slob too.
Jim Halpert: Ok sure. Let's do it.
Pam Beesly: No, I, um, well I'm not gonna, I'm-- I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.
Jim Halpert: Have I not proposed to you yet?
Pam Beesly: Hmm I don't think. Nope.
Jim Halpert: Oh, well, that's comin'.
Pam Beesly: Oh right now?
Jim Halpert: No. I'm not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame.
Pam Beesly: Ok so then when?
Jim Halpert: Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. I hate to break it to you but that's not how that works.
Pam Beesly: Ohh right.
Jim Halpert: Hey I'm serious. It's happening. And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass Beesly. So, stay sharp.
Pam Beesly: I've been warned.

Andy Bernard: Did I do this for me? No. I did this, for the little guy. For Joe six pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up, with oil. Wonders how am I gonna pay my kids' orphanage bills. That guy, shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

Michael Scott: How'd she die?
Dwight Schrute: I guess you could say she died of... blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got into a car accident, plowed into the side of an airplane hangar.
Michael Scott: So innocent.
Dwight Schrute: She was stoned apparently.
Michael Scott: You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but now I know that's just silly. Because she's dead. What do you do.
Dwight Schrute: Wait 'till next year's chair catalog comes out and find someone who's still alive. Yeah.

Jim Halpert: Where do you wanna go for dinner?
Pam Beesly: I donno I kind of hate all our regular places right now. [pause] Oh, you know what? That one--
[Jim stops and gets down on one knee]
Jim Halpert: Hey Pam. Will you wait for me one second, while I tie my shoe?
Pam Beesly: I hate you.

[Jim catches up to Pam, both laughing]
Jim Halpert: What! My shoe was untied. What is your problem? Oh my God! You thought I was- Oh, no no...
Pam Beesly: Ohh how could I have thought that?