Memorable quotes from the hit NBC show "The Office" - Seasons 1-5

The best Office Quotes from Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Andy Bernard & more!

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Season 4

Goodbye Toby

It’s Toby’s goodbye party at Dunder Mifflin and Michael demands a huge celebration that matches the joy in his heart. Angela, sick of Michael’s unreasonable last minute demands, refuses, and Michael turns to Phyllis to take over the party planning committee. Meanwhile, Dwight and Meredith haze the new HR woman, Holly.

Memorable Office Quotes

Jim Halpert: [after Jim paired his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight.
Pam Beesly: [over the phone] Hello is this Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Yes it is.
Pam Beesly: Oh my goodness you sound sexy.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight Schrute: Woah woah woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim.
Pam Beesly: [into phone] Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: No! [waving] I'm over here!
Pam Beesly: I'm confused.

Michael Scott: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. [cuts to clips of Michael dancing around the empty office] I came in extra early, so much energy. There's certain days that you know you will remember for the rest of your life. And I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.

Michael Scott: Actually the only thing on the agenda is the status of Toby's going away party.
Angela: We have a butter cream cake, and a slide show of Toby. But so far we only have two pictures of him.

Angela: You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned and then you come in and you demand the world. Let me be clear, there is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides. Although Toby will not be in them.

Michael Scott: I want an anti-gravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink the potion, and then you just start floating all around.
Pam Beesly: So how much anti-gravity potion do you want?

Angela: No. No, you know what? This is not a party planning committee anymore. And I don't want your foot money and I feel uncomfortable participating.
Michael Scott: Phyllis. Can you do this?
Phyllis: [pause] Yes.

Michael Scott: Every year my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately she has been sending me like nine or 10 checks a year, uh, as Nana starts to... but I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. Michael, buy a motorcycle. I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.

Pam Beesly: Guess who just got into the Pratt school of Design.
Jim Halpert: No way. What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. [hugging Pam] Congratulations!
Pam Beesly: Oh thank you! I don't know what you doubted it because I'm so clearly awesome.
Jim Halpert: Yes. When do you start?
Pam Beesly: I don't know I didn't read it carefully. I just saw congratulations and I skimmed the list and I saw my name and I came in here to tell you and get a snack.

Pam Beesly: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, we have a family I couldn't go then either. So the timing's perfect. [pause] And that is the first time I've ever used the word perfect in here.

Dwight Schrute: So what do we know about her.
Michael Scott: Well.. we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight Schrute: I hate her too.
Michael Scott: Why do you hate her?
Dwight Schrute: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
Michael Scott: You know Dwight sometimes... I dunno I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight Schrute: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael Scott: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought. [pause] Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Phyllis: [over the speakerphone] Hi, are there any local companies that rent anti-gravity machines?
Woman: Anti-gravity machines?
Phyllis: That's right, yeah.
Woman: What do they do exactly?
Phyllis: They make you feel lighter.
Woman: [looking it up] Anti-gravity... um... anti-depressant? I could put you through to someone on that?
Phyllis: [pause] Okay.

Holly: Man someone doesn't like HR.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly: [to Toby] What did you do to him?
Toby Flenderson: Nothing.
Michael Scott: No he tortured me. With his awfulness.
Holly: Yeah I know what you mean. I nearly feel asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Um well look I'll let you get back to work but I really look forward to working with you Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Y-you can call-- Michael.

Michael Scott: Thanks to Toby I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like ET. Is Holly our extra-terrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.

Creed: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. 'What do I do?' What do I do, I do here. I should have written it down. 'Qua' something. Quaaa. Quarr. Quab. Quall. Qwer. Quobbity! Quabbity assurance!

Dwight Schrute: Have you been introduced to Kevin?
Holly: Which one's Kevin?
Dwight Schrute: He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain.
Holly: Oh. Good for you guys.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.

Holly: [after being told Kevin was 'slow in the brain'] Hi!
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: What do you do?
Kevin: I do the numbers.
Holly: Oh, good for you!
Kevin: You want an M&M?
Holly: Oh, no that is so sweet. Thank you though.
Kevin: I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly: Well that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin: [smiling] Yeah.

Michael Scott: You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath her.

Michael Scott: Question. Are you real, or are you a 'hollygram'?
Holly: Thanks I've never heard that one before actually, that's good.

Michael Scott: [to Holly] What, uh, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in? You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, cd player?

Toby Flenderson: I would love to have a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica.
Pam Beesly: Sure do you have a camera here?
Toby Flenderson: No. Uhh.. [yelling] Does anyone have a camera here? No one has a camera here. Um, I'll go get one.

Jim Halpert: [on the phone] So I just got the fax, closing the sale, and, uh, it's big. It is really big.
Ryan Howard: Congratulations.
Jim Halpert: Thanks..
Ryan Howard: Don't interrupt. Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website?
Jim Halpert: Nope, I didn't. I just logged it under..
Ryan Howard: Alright try to be a team player here Jim. Log in on the website.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Well it already went through, so..
Ryan Howard: Don't worry about that, just relog it. [hangs up]

Michael Scott: I am downloading some N3P music..
Jim Halpert: [quickly] That's not it. Yep?
Michael Scott: ..for a CD mix tape...
Jim Halpert: Close.
Michael Scott: ..for Holly. And I am looking for perfect songs that work on two levels.
Jim Halpert: What are the two levels?
Michael Scott: The two levels being, welcome to Scranton and I love you.

Michael Scott: What's the group, that were from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?
Jim Halpert: Yes.

Michael Scott: Well, you're not a romantic.
Jim Halpert: Actually I think I am. And, I have a little bit of experience in office romance.
Michael Scott: Oh really.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: With who?
Jim Halpert: We've been through this.
Michael Scott: Pam?
Jim Halpert: Yes. We are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow.
Michael Scott: Yeah you took it too slow.
Jim Halpert: Well we're really happy.

Jim Halpert: I was thinking... fireworks. For the party.
Phyllis: Oh boy. I appreciate your help but I can't do..
Jim Halpert: Oh no no I just meant I wanted to pay, to have fireworks at the party.
Phyllis: Why would you do that?
Jim Halpert: Because I am going to miss Toby. Yep. That's it. He's a good guy and I think we should send him out right.

Jim Halpert: I am going to propose tonight. Holy crap!

Kevin: I am totally gonna bang Holly. She is cute and helpful. And she really seems into me.

Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man I don't know what happening to you lately but you know what? I really don't care because you're trying to get rid of me and I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back but you're wrong because I do and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place but guess what. I'm not going anywhere.

Michael Scott: Woah. What are you doing? You don't, uh... you don't have to do that. I mean we have already put together chairs. That's how we buy them actually.
Holly: I was trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and that made this up-down lever not work and I took the whole chair apart and that is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good right? I'm gonna sell the movie rights.
Michael Scott: And the sequel: Woman stands at desk and works.

Michael Scott: So are you in town this weekend? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not gonna be in town. Goin' out of town.
Holly: Oh. So you can't make it to my orgy?

Phyllis: Hello Angela.
Angela: Phyllis, you look like you're going to have a heart attack.
Phyllis: Can I get a list of your vendors.
Angela: I shredded it.
Phyllis: Why did you do that?
Angela: Gosh I don't know, why do you think?
Phyllis: [knocks papers of Angela's desk] Sorry.

Michael Scott: Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'.

Michael Scott: Hey! What the hell! Is going on here! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going away gift?
Dwight Schrute: You did.
Michael Scott: No!
Dwight Schrute: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line..

Pam Beesly: So what is your gift?
Michael Scott: My gift's forthcoming, Pam.
Pam Beesly: What is it?
Michael Scott: I am going to give Toby...
Pam Beesly: Your watch?
Michael Scott: Yes. I am. How would you know that?
Pam Beesly: I just knew.

Oscar: Well this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Jim Halpert: Would you do me a favor and get my Ryan?
Pam Beesly: Absolutely. [hands Jim the phone]
Jim Halpert: Went to voicemail. Hey, Ryan. It's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck!

Michael Scott: Holly is sweet, and simple. Like a lady baker. I- would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. [thinking] I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.

Kevin: Cool! Bouncy house!
Phyllis: Kevin take your shoes off first!

Pam Beesly: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is isn't he? No, he's not. Is he?

Holly: It was a pretty good company but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up.
Michael Scott: That's what she-- A lot of places are like that.
Holly: I think it's really good you hired Kevin.
Michael Scott: Thanks.

Michael Scott: Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody I want you to look at Holly right now. And maybe if you look at her deeply enough you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II! Fifty years. She is the best!

Holly: Cool! You drive your own car?
Kevin: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Holly: Yep. Just like you.
Kevin: Okay bye.
Holly: Bye... Kevin, I'm really proud of you.

Michael Scott: A lot of you know that I am an accomplished song writer.
Pam Beesly: Song parody writer.
Michael Scott: I have done things like, um, Beers In Heaven.
Jim Halpert: Classic.
Michael Scott: Or Total Eclipse of a Fart.

Pam Beesly: I'm gonna miss Toby. He had a nice calming presence in the office. Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kind of cute.

Michael Scott: Don't move a muscle, I will be back momentarily. [laughing] Finish your drink and I'll be back.

Michael Scott: You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?

Jan: It's not just any sperm bank I mean it's really-- this is a really, really great place. It's amazing actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalog. You should look through it, it's-- and in fact it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables.
Michael Scott: IHOP.
Jan: IHOP.

Jan: If I was 22 and I had lots of time.. to have lots of children, then sure let's let Michael have a shot at one of them but honestly I have to make this one count.

Andy Bernard: I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you never know when you're going to meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks and the music and everything. It was right.

Kelly: Can I be your bridesmaid?
Angela: No.

Michael Scott: I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar.

Holly: Yeah it was a good day. I mean first days are always the hardest, right? I should go. I've gotta buckle him in.

Michael Scott: Well this is it. I'm here to see you off.
[camera shows Michael with the security guard]
Toby Flenderson: Really, Michael?
Michael Scott: Sorry, corporate policy.
Toby Flenderson: It's not.
Michael Scott: You can take something.
Security guard: I don't think he's gonna take anything.
Michael Scott: Ok, security guard.

Michael Scott: Hi, Jan. It's Michael. I just, um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. And if there's any details you need to fill me in on like, what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I will see you tomorrow morning. I'm going to be... kind of a daddy.

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