Memorable quotes from the hit NBC show "The Office"

Office Quotes from Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Andy Bernard & more!

Season 4

Branch Wars

When Karen tries to woo Stanley away from Scranton, Michael fights back, dragging her ex, Jim, into his war. Meanwhile, the existence of a “Finer Things Club” further disturbs Dunder Mifflin’s calm.

Memorable Quotes

Michael Scott: You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch extraordinary. The blusy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Jim Halpert: So, tell me again why I can't be apart of your club?
Pam: Because some people think that you'd monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.
Jim Halpert: Oscar?
Pam: Some people.

Michael Scott: Look, this is very hard for me but I am going to give you my best man. You may have Toby.
Karen: Toby's not a salesperson.
Michael Scott: You can train him! He's very, very smart and funny and charming... Lehhargh! You know, I can't do it. Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff.

Michael Scott: Wait! Wait, Karen. Could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please. Your best one?

Karen: I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with someboy else.

Michael Scott: Yeah. We all want money. But there is none in the budget. So. Tell me why you're really leaving.
Stanley: Money.
Michael Scott: Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that.

Michael Scott: I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle and I am going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.

Ben: Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stamford quit like immediately?
Michael Scott: No I fired them. And you're next. [long pause] So whaddya say?
Ben: Seriously?

[Michael turns into Toby]
Michael Scott: Oh. My. God. [pause] That's why people are leaving. I... I have no words.

[Dwight throws Jim's cell phone out the window]
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding me!?
Dwight Schrute: No communication with the outside world, Jim!
Michael Scott: It had to be done.
Jim Halpert: Well, that kind of sucks. Because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it.
Dwight Schrute: That is too bad. Shoot.

Michael Scott: Alright. You're gonna miss the best prank ever.
Jim Halpert: Alright. [pause] Wait. What are you planning on doing?
Michael Scott: Do you really wanna know?
Jim Halpert: Oh God.

Michael Scott: Here's what we brought. We brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought Silly String, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.
Dwight Schrute: Or real bombs.
Michael Scott: No, no. Not real bombs.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah come on it would be so badass.
Michael Scott: Mmm maybe. I donno. I donno. Would be badass.
Jim Halpert: No.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! It will.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely we're not doing this.

Dwight Schrute: Come on I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's gonna be so badass!!
Jim Halpert: Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this in the trunk the whole time?

Jim Halpert: So, the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up and I wear a costume. And a mustache.

Michael Scott: Dwight are you peeing?
Dwight Schrute: I'm peeing in this empty can.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: That is disgusting Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: You said we couldn't make any more stops and I really had to go!

[car swerves]
Dwight Schrute: Hey! You're making me spray!

Dwight Schrute: I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Andy Bernard: The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my backup. And Kevin's band is my safety.

Michael Scott: You and I are going to sneak inside, pretend that we are warehouse workers and we will Silly String the bejesus out of the place.
Dwight Schrute: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye, with the jumbo chalk.
Jim Halpert: No! No you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight Schrute: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?
Dwight Schrute: Okay Jim.

Oscar: What are you microwaving!
Phyllis: Popcorn.
Pam: Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen Phyllis?
Phyllis: Someone needs to clean it, it smells like popcorn.

Andy Bernard: [to Stanley] I'm gonna miss you man. You're like an uncle to me. Like a, kind, old Uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch.

[over the radio]
Dwight Schrute: We are in the stairwell. We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim Halpert: Okay you know what, you really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

Jim Halpert: [whispering into walkie-talkie to Michael]: Karen is here!
Michael Scott: Take her to a motel and make love to her.

Dwight Schrute: [over the radio] Woah, here's a guy, here's a guy! It's a security guard coming by. Hello! We're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? ... Oh my God that was very close. I can see the security guard's eyes!
Jim Halpert: No! No. Don't do anything to them!
Dwight Schrute: I have to do something to his eyes.

Dwight Schrute: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Michael Scott: [over the radio] Jim, if this is it for me promise me something... host the dundies.

Michael Scott: Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but, at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael Scott: Wanted, middle-aged black man with sass. Big butt, bigger heart... I can't, do this.

Stanley: I wasn't really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughing] Sometimes I say crazy things.

Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight Schrute: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight Schrute: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

Karen: If you wanted to see me you could've just called me like an adult.
Jim Halpert: Oh no I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not, happy to be seeing you, right now. I'm just saying, ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal. I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you.
Karen: [scoffs]
Jim Halpert: I mean it's just that, you know Pam and I are still dating so, and I just mean that things are going really well so I didn't want to see, you.
Karen: Oh things are going really well. Are they? They are? That's great that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are, with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica and breaking my copier and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: Ah. Alright. You are welcome. I'm going to go, because of, um... traffic.

Karen: I cried for weeks over that guy so yeah. Seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform... it felt pretty good.

Michael Scott: [dictating to Pam about Stanley]: Wanted...Middle-Aged Black Man with Sass, Big Butt and even Bigger Heart.

Stanley: I wasn’t really planning on leaving. All I wanted was a raise. How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things. [Laughs]

Jim Halpert: Are you inviting me to the Finer Things club?
Pam: [nodding 'yes']
Andy Bernard: [flailing his arms in the air]: OH, C’MON!