Memorable quotes from the hit NBC show "The Office"

Office Quotes from Dwight Schrute, Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Andy Bernard & more!

Season 3

Diwali

Michael encourages the entire Scranton branch to support Kelly and attend a local celebration of Diwali, the Hindu Festival of Lights. Meanwhile, Andy convinces Jim to turn a late night of work into a drinking game.

Memorable Quotes

Michael Scott: Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly: It's not a dress, it's a kurtha!
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, okay.

Michael Scott: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. "What is Diwali?" you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, "It's, blah blah blah blah. It's so super, fun, and it's gonna be great!" Lot of gods with unpronouncable names. Twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Pam: [concerning the Diwali celebration] I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you wanna make appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided, yet.

Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know?
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you've got mono.
Pam: Maybe.

Michael Scott: Indians do not eat monkey brains! And if they do... sign me up! Because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.

Michael Scott: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. You know what, Stanley? Come Kwaanza time, I have got you covered, baby!
Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwaanza.
Michael Scott: Wh- Really? You should! It's fun!

Michael Scott: I love the people here, and if there's one thing I don't really care for, its that they can be terribly terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.

Kelly: Um, Diwali is awesome. And there's food, and there's gonna be dancing. And, oh, I got the raddest outfit. It has, um, sparkles-
Michael Scott: Kelly? Um, why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday?
Kelly: Oh, um, I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela: How many gods do you have?
Kelly: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Angela: [referring to a picture of a goddess on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story?
Kevin: She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Dwight Schrute: Pam wishes.

Dwight Schrute: Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama, after his epic battle with Ravina, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right, all right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Dwight Schrute: [interrupting Michael talking about M. Night Shamaylan] I see dead people.
Michael Scott: Okay! Spoiler alert!
Dwight Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it!

Jim Halpert: I started biking to work. Josh does it, and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also, it saves gas money, keeps me in shape, helps the environment, and now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.

Michael Scott: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.

Stamford Employee: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny little arms.
Karen: Oh, did you shake it?
Stamford Employee: Yeah, I shook it. I shook it!

Andy: We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim Halpert: Excuse me?
Andy: Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold. On again, off again. Sexual tension-filled type of deal. It’s very Sam and Diane.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Andy: From Cheers.
Jim Halpert: Yup.
Andy: Yeah.

Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: You know, I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine, but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Toby: Actually, she's right. This is inapporpriate. Why don't I take these.
Michael Scott: No, you're not going to collect them-
Toby: Yeah...
Michael Scott: No! This is delightful, charming culture.

Michael Scott: My Indian culture seminar was going great, until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally-explicit images. It's just sex, people! Everybody does it! I'm doing it! With Carol! Probably tonight.

Jim Halpert: Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation, which, amazingly, is even less intersting than it sounds.

Phyllis: Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it! It's a disease! I told you!

Carol: [wearing a cheerleading outfit] I thought you said this was a costume party!
Michael Scott: [pointing out a woman] What does that look like to you?
Carol: An Indian woman in a sari!
Michael Scott: No one's even going to notice.
Kevin: Nice outfit.
Michael Scott: Hey, Kevin! It's a costume, so why don't you just cool it, okay?

Angela: [at the buffet line at the Diwali] I'm a vegetarian, what can I eat?
Indian boy: It's all vegetarian.
Angela: I'll just have some bread. [walking away after being given naan] You used your hands!

Michael Scott: [gagging] These s'mores are disgusting.
Carol: They're not s'mores, they're samosas!
Michael Scott: Do you think they have any s'mores? [cut to talking head]
Michael Scott: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

Pam: I decided to come. Uh, I feel a little under-dressed, but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? [pause] Is that mean?

Kelly: I don't even want to hear it, okay!? I did not come to Diwali to get yelled at!
Kelly’s mom: Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money! Wali is a whole doctor. So handsome, makes good money!
Kelly: You think I want to marry a doctor?!

Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?
Jim Halpert: Yup.
Andy: [in a Scottish accent] One, two, three, SHOT!

Michael Scott: Wow, 30 years! And two you only met once before the wedding night?
Kelly's dad: Yes!
Michael Scott: Wow.
Kelly's dad: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael Scott: Oh, she's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party. Um, no, we're not married...yet.
Kelly's mom: She is very fair.
Michael Scott: She is very fair. Very fair and very kind. So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire? [against puzzled looks] No? Okay, but still, very cool. Okay, thanks!

Michael Scott: [to the crowd at the Diwali] Um, everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention please? Thank you. Hi, I'm sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um, okay, I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know your all thinking "Who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?" Well I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado... Carol? Carol Stills? I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Carol: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: What do you say?
Carol: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: I didn't hear you.
Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: [whispering] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay. [drops microphone and walks away]

Michael Scott: Good night... Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you? Because I've got this book, called the Kama Sutra-
Carol: Good night, Michael.

Ryan: Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So, um, the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly's mom: So you're saving money now to start a family and home!
Ryan: Or travel, and buy an X-Box.
Kelly's dad: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?

Pam: Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael.
Wali: Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?
Pam: Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?

Pam: It's hot in there. How's the naan?
Angela: Dry. You look like you were having fun.
Pam: I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela: I have to watch our shoes, so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting?
Pam: [quickly] No one. [cut to Jim's buzzing phone]

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Andy: [to Jim's singing] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

Michael Scott: Pam. When Carol said no tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael Scott: I was in that marriage arena, though.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah.

Pam: [As Michael leans in to kiss her] What are you doing?
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Pam: I'm rejecting your kiss.
Michael Scott: [lengthy pause] Can I have a ride home?
Pam: If you sit in the back.

Jim Halpert: Hey, can I have a ride, man? I, uh, I have my bike.
Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.
Jim Halpert: I'm okay.

Karen: Hey dummy! Get in the car!
Jim Halpert: I'm a drunk driver.
Karen: Yes you are.

Jim Halpert: You can really hold your liquor, by the way.
Karen: Yeah, you can't.

Michael Scott: [on the way home from Diwali] These are not my shoes.

Michael Scott: This is just like that show, Taxi Cab Confessions.
Pam: You say one more word, I’m stopping the car.
Michael Scott: Sorry.

Michael Scott: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's tribute to one of the greats, Mr. Adam Sandler. [singing] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something, tonight has been one craaaaazy night! So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali! Everybody looks to jolly, but it's not Christmas its Diwali! The goddess of destruction Kali, stopped by to celebrate Diwali! Don't invite any zombies, to a celebration of Diwali! Along came Polly, so have fun at Diwali! IF you're Indian and you like to party, have a happy happy happy happy Diwali! [speaking] HAPPY DIWALI!!!!