Season 2

Drug Testing

Dwight demands drug testing to find out who left half of a joint in the parking lot. Following a jinx, Pam forces Jim not to speak.

Memorable Quotes

Oscar: So, Pam told me you do a great Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, um. "Why do you keep CCing me on things that have nothing to do with me?"
Stanley: [enters] Is that supposed to be me?
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey, Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley: I do not think that is funny.
Pam: He does everyone in the office.
Stanley: Hmph. [leaves]
Jim and Pam: "I do not think that is funny."

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Dwight Schrute: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let's do it that way.

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[Viewing a picture of marijuana]
Creed: That is "Northern Lights" cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [sighs]. No, it's marijuana.

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Jim Halpert: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works!
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim Halpert: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?

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[Dwight is dressed in a deputy's uniform]
Jim Halpert: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.

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Jim Halpert: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

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Dwight Schrute: I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.

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Dwight Schrute: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

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Dwight Schrute: Do you know what this is?
[slides a picture of marijuana on the table]
Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana.
Dwight Schrute: [raising voice] How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labelled.
Dwight Schrute: [whispering] Damn it.

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Michael Scott: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been cancelled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight Schrute: No, you can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can do that, it's my office...and...
Dwight Schrute: [interrupting] No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.

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Dwight Schrute: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight Schrute: Mine was green.
Linda: [disgusted] Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight Schrute: All better.

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Michael Scott: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be tested.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael Scott: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.

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Ryan Howard: Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urine analysis lab?
Ryan Howard: [nervously] Yeah. Maybe.