Michael Scott Quotes

Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 3

Season 1

Pilot:

Michael Scott: It's simply beyond words. It's incalculable.

Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now you should have seen her a couple of years ago!
Pam: What?

Michael Scott: My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said "Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?" Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Diversity Day:

Michael Scott: [after role-playing exercise] You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.

Michael Scott: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Health Care:

Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um… yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.

The Alliance:

Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.

Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael, "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael Scott: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I...get it.
Michael Scott: Merideth is so old...(how old is she?) Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called she wants her age back and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced, what twice?

Michael Scott: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words: you're fired. "You're fired." Oh, "you're fired." He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way. No way. "You're fired." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be "you're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so.

Basketball:

Oscar: [of Mexican descent] I can play [basketball] if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Hot Girl:

Michael Scott: Coffee is a drug. It is quite literally a drug. It speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. (Giggles slightly) You hear stories about Dunder-Mifflin in the eighties before people knew how bad cocaine was...gah..man did they move paper!

Michael Scott: Starbucks. Oh man, that place is like the promised land!

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Season 2

The Dundies:

Michael Scott: [at the Dundie awards] This year's "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin!
Phyllis: This says "Bushiest Beaver!"
Michael Scott: I told them "Busiest"...idiots.

Michael Scott: I was on a hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight...
Dwight Schrute: Really? We don't have any girls in HR.
Michael Scott: You know for the sake of the story...and things were getting hot and heavy...
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: And she made me fill out six hours worth of paperwork.
Dwight Schrute: Like an AIDS test?
Michael Scott: No. God, Dwight...

Michael Scott: This next award goes to someone who really lights up the office, somebody who I think a lot of us cannot keep from checking out, 'The Hottest in the Office Award', goes to...Ryan the Temp! YEAH! Hey HO! You sexy thing! Sexy thing you! Whoo! [slaps Ryan's butt]
[Cut to Ryan]
Ryan Howard: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my concerns right now.

Michael Scott: An employee will go home and ask his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" "No man. I mean I slave all day and no one notices." Next thing you know, he smells something funny from his neighbor's house. Neighbor hanged himself due to lack of recognition.

Sexual Harassment:

Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Michael Scott: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here [the office], we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael Scott: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow. That is really hard. [Michael almost says it] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott: That's what she said!

Michael Scott: Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.s, Best Friends Forever. We came up together in sales, one time we went to a bar and met these set of twins. And Packer said that we were brothers, one thing lead to another, and we took them to our hotel room...and Packer did BOTH of them!...It was awesome!

Michael Scott: When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.

Michael Scott: And, even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And, at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam, as much as I might want to.
Pam: He said WHAT?

Michael Scott: What if Pam was a lesbian?! What if she brought her partner into work, would that be crossing the line?
Toby: No!
Michael Scott: What if they made out, in front of everybody...
Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael Scott: ...at home? And I told everybody everything about it?
Toby: OK, I'm lost.
Michael Scott: OK, then, well let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl "A". And, girl "B" will be... [long pause] ... OK, we'll use the doll. [motions hand forward] Pam? Pam?
[Pam is shocked]

Office Olympics:

Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

Michael Scott: I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.

The Fire:

Michael Scott: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I’ve heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Michael Scott: When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me – or Ryan would ever teach me.

Halloween:

Michael Scott: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael Scott: Err...OK, Sherry. Thank you.

The Fight:

Michael Scott: For emergency contact put down Todd Packer, Todd F. Packer. You know what the "F" stands for?
Ryan Howard: Fudge?

Michael Scott: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented "Armageddon", he cried at the end of it!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I told you! It was because it was New Year's Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight!
Michael Scott: [As Dwight crying] "Oh, are they really gonna leave Bruce Willis on the asteroid? Boo-hoo!"

Michael Scott: Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.
Pam: He's a purple belt, that's really high.
Michael Scott: Oh God, I could beat up Dwight, that's ridiculous. I can murder him.

The Client:

Michael Scott: OK. Let's do this thing. Wish us luck.
Dwight Schrute: Good luck, Michael! Good luck, Jan!
Jan: Thank you.
Michael Scott: [under breath] Kiss ass.

Michael Scott: I don't understand...you want to see other people? Only other people?

Michael Scott: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Business Man Magazine.
Jan: [incredulously] It said that.
Michael Scott: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

Michael Scott: Awesome Blosom, extra awesome.

Performance Review:

Michael Scott: Pam, you're trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael Scott: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.

Michael Scott: But then she goes on to say "That will be our only topic of discussion." That doesn't mean anything. Those are just words...
Pam: I have one idea of what it means.
Michael Scott: OK, yeah, what, what?
Pam: Well, I don't think you're going to be very happy with this.
Michael Scott: Oh, great. Alright, well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review.
Pam: (quickly) Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional but she's fighting feelings for you.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Why-- that's great news. That-- that-- Why would-- why would I not like that?
Pam: Um, just 'cause that you work together and it might be awkward.

Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley: Oh yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael Scott: God. Stanley, that's frickin brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I'm sorry...
Stanley: Oh, it's OK. I did learn it on the streets. In the ghetto in fact.
Michael Scott: No kidding?
Stanley: [separate scene] This year it's all about my bonus.

Michael Scott: Attention please. Jan Levinson's coming very soon and so we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting. So you can get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Ryan Howard: Don't you mean "constructive criticism?"
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Kelly: You said "constructive compliments." That doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. K?

Michael Scott: I'm a little confused, because at first its like, all "Kissy Kissy." And then its like, all regret because "Oh, I regret that. But, wait. I'm still gonna call you. But-- but! We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down there and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were we talking about when we first kissed? Business.

Jan: So are you still in the middle of the Performance Reviews then?
Michael Scott: Oh, no no. I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like "Wam bam, thank you ma'am." But I do say "Thank you ma'am." Not like "Wam bam." Not that there's anything wrong with "Wam bam..." If it's consensual.

Michael Scott: Hold on. [to Pam on speakerphone] Yes Pam?
Pam: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael Scott: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael Scott: I did not-- not-- not use those words.
Jan: I'd like to sit in on that meeting. [to Pam] Is it happening right now?
Michael Scott: No, it's in like, ten minutes.
Pam: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan: Great. Very good.

Email Surveillance:

Improv Classmate 1: I'm looking for my doctor. He's a tiny midget.
Michael Scott: BOOM! Agent Michael Scorn, I see through your ruse! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! ["shoots" people in improv scene]
Improv Classmate 2: I'm not even in this scene!
Michael Scott: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [classmate falls anyway]
Improv Instructor: Michael, c'mon, what are you doing?
Michael Scott: I'm making the scene better! The old scene was boring.
Improv Instructor: No it wasn't Michael. Michael, give me your guns.
[Michael "unstraps" guns from four holsters]

Michael Scott: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed. And I am not going to tell them that I will be reading their emails.

[In front of Michael's computer]
Michael Scott: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but you guys have these things so password protected...
IT Guy: That just means you have to enter your password. What's your password Michael?
Michael Scott: Um...
IT Guy: [sees yellow post-it note on Michael's monitor] Oh...it's '1234'.

Michael Scott: [on his approach to improv] Think about this, what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real-life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it. You just can't.

Christmas Party:

Michael Scott: Stupid corporate! Wet blankets...it's not like booze ever killed anyone.

Michael Scott: You're the expert, is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Store Clerk: 15 bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.

Michael Scott: Happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael Scott: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say “Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth”.

Michael Scott: So Phyllis is basically saying “Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt’s-worth”. I gave Ryan an iPod!

Michael Scott: Yankee swap!

Booze Cruise:

Dwight Schrute: ["steering" the ship] Don't worry Michael, I'm taking us to shore!
Michael Scott: It's a fake wheel, dummy!

Michael Scott: What is with the guy jumping overboard? If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now, and not all wet.

Dwight Schrute: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael Scott: Captain Jack's a fart face.

The Injury:

Jim Halpert: Hey! Whoa! Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh God!!! Ohhh.
Jim Halpert: Ok, it's Jim... just say again really loudly what happened.
Michael Scott: Ok, booooouuur... I burned my foot, very badly, on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
Jim Halpert: You burned YOUR foot, on a Foreman Grill?

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me. And since I don't have a butler I have to do it myself... so, most nights before I go to bed I will lay out 6 strips of bacon out on my foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped on to the grill and it clamped on to my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Michael (enters office on crutches and foot wrapped in bubble wrap): Morning everyone. Don't freak out, I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today, normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.

Michael Scott: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: So where are you shipping your foot?
Michael Scott: Ha ha ha, so where are you shipping...
Dwight Schrute: Your foot.

Pam: It's just that before you said you didn't want any special treatment.
Michael Scott: I don't want any special treatment Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would a family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that too much to ask.
Pam: Do you want some aspirin? Because you seem a little fussy.
Michael Scott: No, I don't want some aspirin! Yeah I am fussy! Aspirin is not going to do a damn thing... I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.

Michael (in pain calling Pam): Paaaaammmm!
Michael (calls Pam on the phone)
Pam: What?
Michael Scott: Come here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come in there.
Michael Scott: I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No!
Michael Scott: Come here please, I have Country Crock.
Pam: No.

Michael Scott: The rules of Shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to should "Shotgun" when you're in sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game is played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.

Michael Scott: Oh God a minivan. What is Merideth's problem?!
Jim Halpert: Well I think she has a kid.
Michael Scott: Yeah, she has one kid, no husband... she's not going to find one driving this thing around.

The Secret:

Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim Halpert: Umm, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's up dog?
Jim Halpert: Nothin' much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! I walked right in to that one. Ahhh, that's brilliant.

Michael Scott: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like updog?
Dwight Schrute: What's up dog?
Michael Scott: Gotcha! Hahaha, oh god... crap. Nothin', how you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Good, how are you doing?

Michael Scott: Today is Spring cleaning day here at Dundler Mifflin, and yes I know it's January, I'm not an idiot, but if you do your Spring cleaning in January guess what you don't have to do in the Spring... anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind, well I say an empty desk means an...
Dwight Schrute: Empty mind.
Michael Scott: Well, no... that's not what I was going to say.

Dwight Schrute: Question: May I investigate?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Drop what you are doing. Make this a priority. Because and office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.

Michael Scott: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton... mostly at work, but the fact that he told me his secret and no one else says everything about our friendship. And that is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.

Michael Scott: So what's the 4-1-1? Any updates on the P situation?
Jim Halpert: I don't know what you mean.
Michael Scott: P-A-M, P-A
Jim Halpert: Uh.. ok
Michael Scott: No it's Ok we're talking code.
Stanley: What is?
Michael Scott: Listen! Stanley ya know how long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna take off actually.
Michael Scott: Alright, well, cool.
Still deciding? (pushes button on soda machine) Peach Iced Tea... you're gonna hate it.

Michael Scott: It's graaaaaaaaaaapppppe, soda!
Jim Halpert: Tony the Tiger.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: You don't hear that much anymore.
Michael Scott: Not so much.
Dwight Schrute: What is going on here?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really, nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael Scott: Fact: I love grape soda, I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, so what is the secret Michael?
Michael Scott: Well I ah...
Jim Halpert: Umm, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. (sticks pink post-it note on Dwight)
Dwight to Michael Scott: Is that true?
Michael Scott: Umm, I - I don't know... yeah, yeah... it is.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Michael. I know you're telling the truth.
Michael Scott: Ok
Dwight Schrute: I can tell, I won't let you down.

Michael Scott: Why do I like Hooters? Well I... will give you two reasons... the boobs and the hot wings?

The Carpet:

Michael (to Pam): Spamster
Pam: Umm, Pam plus spam plus..?
Michael Scott: Hampster. Welcome back. How was your vacation?
Pam: It was great
Michael Scott: Yeah. Did you get lucky? Oop, boink!

Michael Scott: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that.
Toby: That's no burst pipe.
Michael Scott: How do you know that? What is it then?
Creed (enters): Hey guys, somebody making soup?

Michael Scott: Here she comes, all cleaned? Great.
Dwight Schrute: Ooh still stinky, it's worse. She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.

Michael (sitting in office): I'm a big Fear Factor fan, umm a big a fan of anything Joe Rogan does actually, so this is my audition tape. Uggh I can't stand it, I can't stay in here another second.

Michael (sitting at Jim's desk): Hey Jim, I thought that we would be desk buddies while they change my carpet.
Jim Halpert: That might be a little difficult with one computer.
Micheal: Oh.
Jim Halpert: There's definitely a desk open in the back...
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: ...which I guess I'll be taking.
Michael Scott: No no no seriously I don't mind sharing.
Jim Halpert: No no no seriously I'll be in the back.

Michael Scott: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... the old bullpen.
Dwight Schrute: Ha, ha, ha
Michael Scott: The old bullpen. Don't hate me.
Dwight Schrute: Ok
Michael Scott: This is great.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah
Michael Scott: The pressures of my office are insane. I just... you couldn't understand, but man you guys have it easy out here. You know I used to site right here.
Dwight Schrute: No way
Michael Scott: Yeah
Dwight Schrute: And who had your office?

Michael Scott: Ed Truck, yuck, Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, oh Ed Truck is walking toward us, stop having fun. Start pretending to do work. What a jerk. He's... you know what... I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager people would laugh when they saw me coming, and would applaud as I walked away.

Michael Scott: When I was in training many years ago, not so long ago. I worked side by side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed we convinced them that they were crazy. Another time Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired. Once as a joke Packer banged every chic in the office. D'it's hysterical.

Michael (whispering): Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Let's send up Accounting.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Old fashioned raid, Sales on Accounting.
Dwight Schrute: Hah, hah, hah.
Michael Scott: Follow my lead.

Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. Could be done out of hate. Could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady, and well she doesn't do a very good job obviously because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. You know what, I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism, against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.

Michael Scott: You guys just are working for the weekend are you, I'm working for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're going to do. I'm going to up the ante a little bit, literally. Right here I'm going to put a crisp $100 dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: 70, 80, 1, 2, 3. 83 dollars, still a lot of money and i'm going to leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight. Out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
Phyllis: You're going to compete against us?
Michael Scott: Oh it is on Phylis, it is so on!
Dwight Schrute: It is so on!
Michael Scott: God this is gonna be fun.
Dwight Schrute: Haha! Michael is going to wipe the floor with us!

Michael Scott: This was no act of God, a person did this, a person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.

Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about.
Stanley: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well I hated it, alot! Ok... I... you know what... if the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment we'd be done.
(everybody looks around at each other)
Michael Scott: Very well, then you're all punished.
Pam: What's our punishment?
Michael Scott: You're all on a time out, just sit there quietly.
(Phylis's phone rings)
Michael Scott: No! No.

Michael Scott: You can love a boss like you love a father.

(Michael sitting at Jim's desk, phone rings)
Michael Scott: Yes
Caller: Hello, yes, I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Caller: Your mom, you gay nerd.
Michael Scott: Oh my God, Packer. Packster. Wacky Pack, how you doing?
Packer: Hey listen did you get that package I left for you?
Michael Scott: Uhhh, no... did anybody see a package here today? No, how big was it?
Packer: It was pretty big.
Michael Scott: Really?
Packer: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Packer: I left it in the middle of your office.
Michael Scott: Really? Did you guys see a big package in the middle of my office?
Roy: You mean the thing?
Packer: hahahahahahahhahahahah
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me?! Hoho, that was Packer! Oh you are dead! You are, you are dead my friend! That is hilar-oh God, of course it was you! Oh-o-o, Yeah! Yeah! It was Packer!

Boys and Girls:

Michael Scott: You may look around and see two groups here; white collar, blue collar. But I don't see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Valentine's Day:

Jan: Surely you aren't serious about this, Michael.
Michael Scott: Of course I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley. [Turns to the camera] "Airplane."

Michael Scott: New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

Michael Scott: Here it is. Heart of New York City. Times Square. Named for the...good times you have when you're in it.

Michael Scott: Scranton is great, but New York is like Scranton on acid. No, on speed. Nah. On steroids.

Dwight's Speech:

Michael Scott: Pam, I'm public speaking, so please stop public interrupting me.

Michael Scott: Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam: Um, the bride doesn't...Have you ever been to a wedding?

Michael Scott: I'm very sorry, I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid. I thought you were just speaking abnormally.

Take Your Daughter To Work Day:

Michael Scott: The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandma read to you!
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael Scott: 'What's a Nazi?'?
Dwight Schrute: Nazi was a fascist movement from the 1930's--
Michael Scott: No no no! Don't talk about Nazis in front of-- You know what? They're gonna have nightmares so why don't you just shut it?
Dwight Schrute: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Why don't you just leave? Okay?
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jake: Bye Mr. Poop.
Michael Scott: Alright. There goes Mr. Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?

Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. [types something] 'Little Kid Lover'. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Michael Scott: This is Creed, and he is in charge of...something...right?
Creed: That is correct.

Michael Scott: I'm like Superman and the people who work here are like the citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight Schrute: That's Batman.
Michael Scott: Okay, fine, I'll be Aquaman. Where does he live?
Jim Halpert: The ocean.
Michael Scott: I work with a bunch of nerds!

Michael Scott: You need someone in the middle to facilitate--
Jake: You're just a middleman.
Michael Scott: I'm not just a middleman.
Melissa: Wait, why doesn't the manufacturer just sell the paper directly to people?
Michael Scott: You are describing Office Depot. And they are kind of running us out of business.
Dwight Schrute: [from his desk] We have better service than they do!

Michael's Birthday:

Michael Scott: Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

Michael Scott: You know what the best medicine is?
Kevin Malone: The doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter.

Michael Scott: Hey Pam? All that stuff with Kevin...pretty scary. I'm thinking that, uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out, you know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking timebags.

Kevin Malone: (after getting the results of his skin cancer test) It's negative!
Michael Scott: God...we're gonna beat this, OK? C'mere...(hugs Kevin)
[Later]
Michael Scott: Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means 'good.' Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

Drug Testing:

Michael Scott: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been cancelled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight Schrute: No, you can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can do that, it's my office...and...
Dwight Schrute: [interrupting] No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.

Michael Scott: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be tested.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael Scott: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.

Conflict Resolution:

Michael Scott: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct "old man smell?"
Creed: [voiceover] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?

Michael Scott: Creed... Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day, and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam: [sarcastically] Nice.

Michael Scott: Alright, Kevin... you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela, that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that make him feel uncomfortable.
Kevin Malone: [quickly] I accept your decision. Cameraman: Smile.
Dwight Schrute: No.

[Michael reads off complaints filed by Dwight]
Michael Scott: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert."
Michael Scott: Everyone has called me "Dwayne" all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.
Jim Halpert: [to camera, laughs] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.
Michael Scott: Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.
Michael Scott: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: Every time I typed my name, it said "Diapers".
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom, and that's how I spent the entire day that day.

Casino Night:

Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby?
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since it's uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a schoolnight, and you know, Hooter's is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: [imitating Toby] Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael Scott: Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate 'biz? Is it real good?
Pam: Still me.

Michael Scott: [deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume?
Pam: Still me.

Michael Scott: I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.

Michael Scott: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananis. (smirks)
Michael Scott: Hey, no...no. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I've tried.

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Season 3

Gay Witch Hunt:

Michael Scott: I call everybody faggy. Why would anyone find that offensive?
Toby: I think Oscar would like it if you just used "lame" or something.
Michael Scott: But that's what faggy means!

Michael Scott: You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Michael Scott: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant "lame". And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homo sapiens.

Dwight Schrute: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael Scott: That's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute: Definitely.

Michael Scott: The company has made it my responsibilty today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Michael Scott: I need to know who else is gay. I don't want to offend anyone else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Phyllis: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael Scott: That's great! Congratulations. That is great and frankly... kinda amazing. See... everybody has a chance.

Michael Scott: Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooood. I don't particularly get into this, but you know what, I totally see the merit. And actually, it is quite beautiful.

Michael Scott: I watch the L Word...I watch Queer as [bleep].
Toby: That's not what it's called.

The Convention:

Michael Scott: You know what Pam, if in ten years I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby..
Pam Beasley: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Twenty years?
Pam Beasley: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thirty.
Pam Beasley: Sure
Michael Scott: It's a deal.

Michael Scott: Guess where I am going? I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp where anything goes. You are correct sir! I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern mid-market office supply convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming which will be fun, poor little guy... he's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.

Michael Scott [talking about Jim]: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Samford. It's like with fireman, you don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

Jim Halpert: Wow!
Michael Scott: Hey Hey!
Jim Halpert: That is a lot of liquor.
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Jim Halpert: And a dart board.
Michael Scott: Well that's how we do it in Scranton, or did you forget? [rapping] Ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cuz a Scranton party don't stop. Huh huh huh!

Michael Scott: I love inside jokes. I'd like to be a part of one some day.

Michael Scott: SWAG! Stuff - we - all - get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAGGGG! Check it out.

Jan: Well Michael, I...underestimated you.
Michael: Well maybe next time you'll estimate me.

Michael Scott: Some people need dozens of friends to say "Hey, look at me I'm popular." But not me, I'm very picky, I need 3, maybe 2. When you meet that someone special you'll just know because a real relationship can't be forced. It should just come about effort-et-lessly.

Michael Scott: Wow, what are all those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine or semen.
Michael Scott: Oh, God. I hope it's urine.

Michael Scott: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Dwight Schrute: (referring to Jerome Bettis) Why do they call him "The Bus"?
Michael Scott: Because he's afriad to fly.

The Coup:

Michael Scott: 'Hug it out, bitch.' That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, in doing so they just let it go, and walk away, and they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I've found. Doesn't translate.

Michael Scott: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight Schrute: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael Scott: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Yea...
Michael Scott: What's his name?
Dwight Schrute: (long pause) Crentist.
Michael Scott: The dentist's name is crentist?
Dwight Schrute: Yea.
Michael Scott: Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Grief Counseling:

Michael Scott: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Michael Scott: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.

Michael Scott: He leaves work, he's on his way home. WHAM, his cappa is detated from his head.

Creed: It's a real shame about Ed huh.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It must really have you thinkin.
Creed: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chances you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. Snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very Smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight Schrute: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?

Michael Scott: If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Michael Scott: Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Initiation:

Michael Scott: [While eating a pretzel] It tastes so good in my mouth.
Stanley: That's what she said. [He and Michael laugh]

Diwali:

Michael Scott: Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly: It's not a dress, it's a kurtha!
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, okay.

Michael Scott: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. "What is Diwali?" you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, "It's, blah blah blah blah. It's so super, fun, and it's gonna be great!" Lot of gods with unpronouncable names. Twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Michael Scott: Indians do not eat monkey brains! And if they do... sign me up! Because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.

Michael Scott: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. You know what, Stanley? Come Kwaanza time, I have got you covered, baby!
Stanley: I don't celebrate Kwaanza.
Michael Scott: Wh- Really? You should! It's fun!

Michael Scott: I love the people here, and if there's one thing I don't really care for, its that they can be terribly terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.

Dwight Schrute: Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama, after his epic battle with Ravina, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right, all right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Dwight Schrute: [interrupting Michael talking about M. Night Shamaylan] I see dead people.
Michael Scott: Okay! Spoiler alert!
Dwight Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it!

Michael Scott: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.

Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela: You know, I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine, but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Toby: Actually, she's right. This is inapporpriate. Why don't I take these.
Michael Scott: No, you're not going to collect them-
Toby: Yeah...
Michael Scott: No! This is delightful, charming culture.

Michael Scott: My Indian culture seminar was going great, until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally-explicit images. It's just sex, people! Everybody does it! I'm doing it! With Carol! Probably tonight.

Carol: [wearing a cheerleading outfit] I thought you said this was a costume party!
Michael Scott: [pointing out a woman] What does that look like to you?
Carol: An Indian woman in a sari!
Michael Scott: No one's even going to notice.
Kevin: Nice outfit.
Michael Scott: Hey, Kevin! It's a costume, so why don't you just cool it, okay?

Michael Scott: [gagging] These s'mores are disgusting.
Carol: They're not s'mores, they're samosas!
Michael Scott: Do you think they have any s'mores? [cut to talking head]
Michael Scott: All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

Michael Scott: Wow, 30 years! And two you only met once before the wedding night?
Kelly's dad: Yes!
Michael Scott: Wow.
Kelly's dad: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael Scott: Oh, she's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party. Um, no, we're not married...yet.
Kelly's mom: She is very fair.
Michael Scott: She is very fair. Very fair and very kind. So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire? [against puzzled looks] No? Okay, but still, very cool. Okay, thanks!

Michael Scott: [to the crowd at the Diwali] Um, everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention please? Thank you. Hi, I'm sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um, okay, I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know your all thinking "Who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?" Well I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado... Carol? Carol Stills? I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Carol: Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott: What do you say?
Carol: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: I didn't hear you.
Carol: [louder] Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: [whispering] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay. [drops microphone and walks away]

Michael Scott: Good night... Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you? Because I've got this book, called the Kama Sutra-
Carol: Good night, Michael. Andy: [to Jim's singing] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

Michael Scott: Pam. When Carol said no tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael Scott: I was in that marriage arena, though.
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Yeah.

Michael Scott: [on the way home from Diwali] These are not my shoes.

Michael Scott: This is just like that show, Taxi Cab Confessions.
Pam: You say one more word, I’m stopping the car.
Michael Scott: Sorry.

Michael Scott: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's tribute to one of the greats, Mr. Adam Sandler. [singing] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something, tonight has been one craaaaazy night! So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali! Everybody looks to jolly, but it's not Christmas its Diwali! The goddess of destruction Kali, stopped by to celebrate Diwali! Don't invite any zombies, to a celebration of Diwali! Along came Polly, so have fun at Diwali! IF you're Indian and you like to party, have a happy happy happy happy Diwali! [speaking] HAPPY DIWALI!!!!

Branch Closing:

Jan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Jan: The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael Scott: On whom's authority?
Jan: The boards.

Jan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael Scott: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Jan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet...but you're a severance package person.

Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael Scott: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?

Michael Scott: It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. [long pause] Show me that farm.

Michael Scott: [trying to delicately break the news to his staff] It's over. We are screwed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is being shut down.

The Merger:

Michael Scott: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size.

Michael Scott: [To Martin Nash, who is black] Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Uh, not...

Michael Scott: This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.

Michael Scott: [reading threatening note that he actually wrote]: "You guys suck! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you suck!"

The Convict:

Michael Scott: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.

Michael Scott: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for...polluting a black guy's lake.

Michael Scott: [to Ryan during a "scared straight" seminar] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball.

A Benihana Christmas:

Michael Scott: Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops. With mint...
Pam: Can I help you, Michael?

Michael Scott: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.
Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.
Michael Scott: Give it up Stanley and you'll lose New Year's.
Stanley: What's that mean?
Michael Scott: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

[Michael is laying behind the reception desk, we only see his legs sticking out from it.]
Michael Scott: It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms.
Pam: Okay, well why are you laying like that?

Michael Scott: I need my entourage. Jim, Dwight, Ryan, c'mon - we're going to Asian Hooters.
Ryan Howard: I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night.
Michael Scott: [feels Ryan's head] Alright, feel better.
Jim Halpert: Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.
Ryan Howard: Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here [shows Blackberry]. Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back.

Michael Scott: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Back From Vacation:

Michael Scott: Hey Mon!
Pam: Hey, you have a bunch of messages...and that's nice. Hanna quit while you were gone. I guess she memo 'd a file some complaints she had about being a working mother, and so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael Scott: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.. relax, just relax. Ok, I'll get to all of it later.
Pam: It's kind of serious.
Michael Scott: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it... ask me.
Pam: How was Jamaica?
Michael Scott: It was sooo good! Awwwwwh! Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey Mon!" everyone says "Hey Mon!" back.
Stanley: Oh Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael Scott: Stanley, you know what, it is really good to see you too.
Stanley: My bonus check was $100 less than you promised.
Michael Scott: Ok, well then Payroll is in charge of all of that.
Stanley: They said I should to talk to you.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm just getting settled in, so I'm gonna...
Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work till I get my full bonus check.
Michael Scott: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothas... mon.

Michael Scott: You know I had never been out of the country before now. Got to see how Jamaicans live, it is great, you know, they just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael Scott: Yeah, gosh, great. You know what Pam, make a note... I want us all to start having Pina Coladas everyday at three.
Pam: You can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael Scott: Inventory is at the end of December.
Pam: We couldn't do it without you so we postponed.
Michael Scott: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

Michael Scott: Inventory is boring. In the islands they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do think so many businesses moved to the Caymans?

Michael Scott: Tonight we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder-Mifflin warehouse inventory, so party-planning committee, get on it.
Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim Halpert: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."

Michael Scott: How hard is a luau? All you need is some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.

Michael Scott: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble. So officially I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night, and in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. We had sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

Michael Scott: Daryl! Hi, where's Daryl?
Roy: He's in the office.
Michael Scott: Hi. Hey, man... how's it going?
Darryl: Alright, what's up Mike?
Michael Scott: That's great. Ok, umm, so did you get an e-mail from me?
Darryl: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Ok, well that was supposed to go to Packer, not Packaging. Did you already forward it to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl: Uh huh.
Michael Scott: Ok. Well, did you get the second e-mail that I sent? Explaining that the first e-mail was a mistake and that you should delete it...
Darryl: Yep
Michael Scott: And you sent that out to everyone?
Daryl [eating lunch]: Michael, I'm very busy down here.

Michael Scott: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute: Who's the target?
Michael Scott: A sensitive e-mail has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture, the filename is jamaica-jan-sun-princess.
Dwight Schrute: What's it of?
Michael Scott: Not important.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not sure, you need to tell me everything or I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott: Ok. Forget it.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I accept it.

Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone.
Michael Scott: Oh God, no, no, no... Pam. Pam. Tell her I'm not here. Tell her I ran out of gas... hit a deer... I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. I hit a cat.
Pam: He'll call you back.
Michael Scott: She bought it? Ok, Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Michael hit a deer?

Jan: You're wrong for me... in... in every way. But I still find myself wanting to be with you.
Michael Scott: And I to you... in addition, feel, the same feelings, that you are, as well.
Jan: Good. Good.
Michael Scott: So, um, thanks for coming by.

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