Jim Halpert Quotes

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

Dwight Schrute: Damnit, he put my stapler in jello again.
[Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute:You can be a witness to this.
Jim Halpert: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?

Dwight Schrute: Please knock, this is an office.
Jim Halpert: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says "work space".
Dwight Schrute:Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "work space"?

Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah!
[scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert:You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?

[Jim put Dwight's wallet into the vending machine]
Dwight Schrute: Where's my wallet?
Jim Halpert: Oh there it is, 'J1'.
Dwight Schrute: I don't have any...
Jim Halpert: Here, have some nickels.
Dwight Schrute: [putting nickels into vending machine] 5, 10, 15, 20, 25...

Jim Halpert: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight Schrute: I don't believe you, continue.

Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is "Kurt", not "Fart."
Jim Halpert: [squinting to read] What did I write?

[Michael reads off complaints filed by Dwight]
Michael Scott: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert."
Michael Scott: Everyone has called me "Dwayne" all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.
Jim Halpert: [to camera, laughs] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.
Michael Scott: Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.
Michael Scott: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: Every time I typed my name, it said "Diapers".
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom, and that's how I spent the entire day that day.

Jim Halpert: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works!
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim Halpert: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?

[Dwight is dressed in a deputy's uniform]
Jim Halpert: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.

Jim Halpert: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Michael Scott: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here [the office], we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael Scott: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow. That is really hard. [Michael almost says it] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael Scott: That's what she said!

Michael (sitting at Jim's desk): Hey Jim, I thought that we would be desk buddies while they change my carpet.
Jim Halpert: That might be a little difficult with one computer.
Micheal: Oh.
Jim Halpert: There's definitely a desk open in the back...
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: ...which I guess I'll be taking.
Michael Scott: No no no seriously I don't mind sharing.
Jim Halpert: No no no seriously I'll be in the back.

Jim Halpert: They might not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years... and years... and... years.

Jim Halpert: Do we all have a copy of Threat Level: Midnight by Michael Scott?

Jim Halpert: Hey! Whoa! Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh God!!! Ohhh.
Jim Halpert: Ok, it's Jim... just say again really loudly what happened.
Michael Scott: Ok, booooouuur... I burned my foot, very badly, on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
Jim Halpert: You burned YOUR foot, on a Foreman Grill?

Jim Halpert: Do you think Dwight's being a little weird today?
Pam Beasley: No, he's actually been really nice and helpful.
Jim Halpert: And that isn't weird?
Pam Beasley: Wow.

Jim Halpert: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman Grill.

Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: It's something with a "K"...
Jim Halpert: It's Kurt... wow, it's so sad that I know that.

Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim Halpert: Umm, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's up dog?
Jim Halpert: Nothin' much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! I walked right in to that one. Ahhh, that's brilliant.