Dwight Schrute Quotes

Season 1 | Season 2 | Season 3 | Season 4

Season 1

Pilot:

Dwight Shrute: Dammit, he put my stapler in Jell-O again!

Diversity Day:

Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, excuse me? I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe..not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [role playing as an Asian] Aw, man! I'm a woman?

Health Care:

Dwight [Reading suggestions for health-care coverage: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin Malone: That's a real thing.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin Malone: [quietly] Someone has it.

Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis....Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.

Dwight Schrute: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

The Alliance:

Dwight Schrute: Did you get your tickets?
Jim Halpert: To what?
Dwight Schrute: The gun show. [kisses bicep]

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Season 2

The Dundies:

Michael Scott: I was on a hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight...
Dwight Schrute: Really? We don't have any girls in HR.
Michael Scott: You know for the sake of the story...and things were getting hot and heavy...
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: And she made me fill out six hours worth of paperwork.
Dwight Schrute: Like an AIDS test?
Michael Scott: No. God, Dwight...

Sexual Harassment:

Dwight Schrute: What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Office Olympics:

Dwight Schrute: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one...and that's out under the porch.

Dwight Schrute: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.

Dwight Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm...sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

The Fire:

Dwight Schrute: FIRE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Phyllis: You say that every week.
Dwight Schrute: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!
Oscar: Relax.
Dwight Schrute: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BURN VICTIM!?

Dwight Schrute: Everyone. OK, I have an announcement. Apparently in business school they don’t teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on "oven" instead of timing it for the toaster thing. [holds up burnt pita and laughs maniacally]

Halloween:

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight Schrute: I'm a Sith lord!!

The Fight:

Dwight Schrute: [indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.

Kelly: [practicing a karate move Dwight taught her] HI YAH! Hey that was pretty close!
Dwight Schrute: Good, now let me take you from behind.
Kelly: WHAT?!

Michael Scott: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented "Armageddon", he cried at the end of it!
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I told you! It was because it was New Year's Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight!
Michael Scott: [As Dwight crying] "Oh, are they really gonna leave Bruce Willis on the asteroid? Boo-hoo!"

Dwight Schrute: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

The Client:

Dwight Schrute: Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Performance Review:

Dwight Schrute: [sitting on a giant rubber ball] You should get one of these.
Jim Halpert: No, thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb, and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim Halpert: Done.
Dwight Schrute: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [bumps picture on Jim's desk] Sorry.
Jim Halpert: It's all right.
Dwight Schrute: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance at sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim Halpert: You're not having sex.
Dwight Schrute: [smirks] Plus, improves your reflexes. [knocks over knick-knack on Jim's desk] See, I would have caught that.
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight Schrute: It's only 25 bucks.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Um, okay. [pops orb with a pair of scissors, causing Dwight to crash to the ground]

Dwight Schrute: Oh, hey. Listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim Halpert: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yes we do.
Jim Halpert: No we don't.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, it's a new product. So you should just suggest that to him, and then he'll be sure to give you a raise. [smirks at camera]
Jim Halpert: All right. [pause] Well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm going to actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim Halpert: Then I win.

Email Surveillance:

Dwight Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections...there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Christmas Party:

Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas.

[Kelly kisses Dwight]
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?!
Kelly: I don't know
Dwight Schrute: You shouldn't do things like that. A man is supposed to do that.
[Angela looks in the distance]

Booze Cruise:

Dwight Schrute: ["steering" the ship] Don't worry Michael, I'm taking us to shore!
Michael Scott: It's a fake wheel, dummy!

[Jim put Dwight's wallet into the vending machine]
Dwight Schrute: Where's my wallet?
Jim Halpert: Oh there it is, 'J1'.
Dwight Schrute: I don't have any...
Jim Halpert: Here, have some nickels.
Dwight Schrute: [putting nickels into vending machine] 5, 10, 15, 20, 25...

Captain Jack: I need a volunteer to come up and hold my stick.
Dwight Schrute: Me me me!
Captain Jack: Ah. Usually it's a woman.
Dwight Schrute: I'm stronger.

Dwight Schrute: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael Scott: Captain Jack's a fart face.

Angela: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight Schrute: I can't! Do you want us to run aground woman!?

Dwight Schrute: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

Dwight Schrute: [Singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, Early in the morning?

The Injury:

Michael Scott: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Jim Halpert: So where are you shipping your foot?
Michael Scott: Ha ha ha, so where are you shipping...
Dwight Schrute: Your foot.

Michael Scott: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight Schrute: Danger.
Michael Scott: It's something with a "K"...
Jim Halpert: It's Kurt... wow, it's so sad that I know that.

Dwight Schrute: Chu chu chu chu.
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Vietnam sounds.

The Secret:

Michael Scott: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like updog?
Dwight Schrute: What's up dog?
Michael Scott: Gotcha! Hahaha, oh god... crap. Nothin', how you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Good, how are you doing?

Dwight Schrute: Merideth, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes, they are worn down.
Kevin, file drawers... Angela kitchen, Oscar dusting. Where's Oscar?
Angela: He's out sick.
Dwight Schrute: That's unacceptable.
Angela: I agree, it's unacceptable.
(Dwight and Angela stare at each other)
Kevin: What are you guys doing?

Dwight Schrute: Listen temp. I'm conducting a little investigation. So I am no longer going to be able to head up Spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight Schrute: Do you think, or do you know?
Ryan Howard: I think.
Dwight Schrute: Oh God, here.

Dwight Schrute: There are several ways to tell if a perp is lying...
The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.

Michael Scott: It's graaaaaaaaaaapppppe, soda!
Jim Halpert: Tony the Tiger.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: You don't hear that much anymore.
Michael Scott: Not so much.
Dwight Schrute: What is going on here?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really, nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael Scott: Fact: I love grape soda, I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, so what is the secret Michael?
Michael Scott: Well I ah...
Jim Halpert: Umm, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. (sticks pink post-it note on Dwight)
Dwight to Michael Scott: Is that true?
Michael Scott: Umm, I - I don't know... yeah, yeah... it is.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Michael. I know you're telling the truth.
Michael Scott: Ok
Dwight Schrute: I can tell, I won't let you down.

Dwight Schrute: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved.

Dwight Schrute: Oh man! You are so busted! Ice skates... shopping bags... I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all!

The Carpet:

Michael Scott: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... the old bullpen.
Dwight Schrute: Ha, ha, ha
Michael Scott: The old bullpen. Don't hate me.
Dwight Schrute: Ok
Michael Scott: This is great.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah
Michael Scott: The pressures of my office are insane. I just... you couldn't understand, but man you guys have it easy out here. You know I used to site right here.
Dwight Schrute: No way
Michael Scott: Yeah
Dwight Schrute: And who had your office?

Michael (whispering): Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Let's send up Accounting.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Old fashioned raid, Sales on Accounting.
Dwight Schrute: Hah, hah, hah.
Michael Scott: Follow my lead.

Boys and Girls:

[Dwight and company are decending into the warehouse for a 'mens-day']
Dwight Schrute: Remember on Lost when they meet "the Others"?

Valentine's Day:

Pam: Sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like, what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight Schrute: You mean ... like a ham?
Pam: No. Not like a ham.

Dwight Schrute: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight Schrute: What's this on my desk?
Jim Halpert: It's a box.
Dwight Schrute: But who left it here...and to what purpose?

Dwight Schrute: It's me. I'm the bobblehead!

Dwight's Speech:

Dwight's Speech: BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation - which everyone finds during the day - how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war – the war of work – but from the moment as a child, when we realize the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. WE ARE WARRIORS! [applause] Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight gives a horrible sounding laugh] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They’ll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesman – and women – of the world... unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together... TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND...
Audience: ...FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL!
[thundrous applause]

Jim Halpert: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight Schrute: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.

Take Your Daughter To Work Day:

Michael Scott: The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandma read to you!
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael Scott: 'What's a Nazi?'?
Dwight Schrute: Nazi was a fascist movement from the 1930's--
Michael Scott: No no no! Don't talk about Nazis in front of-- You know what? They're gonna have nightmares so why don't you just shut it?
Dwight Schrute: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.
Michael Scott: [sighs] Why don't you just leave? Okay?
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jake: Bye Mr. Poop.
Michael Scott: Alright. There goes Mr. Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?

Michael's Birthday:

Dwight Schrute: OK, that is not an eight-foot sub.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight-foot sub. This is eight one-foot subs.
Dwight Schrute: F.

Dwight Schrute: (After he didn't tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Kelly: I can still remember when Princess Diana died. Oh my god, that was the saddest funeral ever! (softer) That, and my sister's.
[Dwight and Angela speak in "code" to hide their office romance from Ryan]
Dwight Schrute: What about that meeting later...to discuss finances?
Angela: ...Yes. (whispered) But don't expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute: (whispered) But what if I'm hungry?
Angela: (whispered) No cookie!

Drug Testing:

Dwight Schrute: OK. I'm going to have to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer (I know several) what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let's do it that way.

[Viewing a picture of marijuana]
Creed: That is "Northern Lights" cannabis indica.
Dwight Schrute: [sighs]. No, it's marijuana.

Jim Halpert: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works!
Jim Halpert: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim Halpert: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?

[Dwight is dressed in a deputy's uniform]
Jim Halpert: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.

Dwight Schrute: I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.

Dwight Schrute: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Dwight Schrute: Do you know what this is?
[slides a picture of marijuana on the table]
Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana.
Dwight Schrute: [raising voice] How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labelled.
Dwight Schrute: [whispering] Damn it.

Michael Scott: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been cancelled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight Schrute: No, you can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can do that, it's my office...and...
Dwight Schrute: [interrupting] No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.

Dwight Schrute: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight Schrute: Mine was green.
Linda: [disgusted] Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight Schrute: All better.

Michael Scott: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be tested.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael Scott: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.

Conflict Resolution:

Jim Halpert: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is "Kurt", not "Fart."
Jim Halpert: [squinting to read] What did I write?

Dwight Schrute: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Casino Night:

[Dwight is wearing a tuxedo]
Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so... family heirloom.

Dwight Schrute: Michael said, 'We must deceive them, as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.' Jim Halpert: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight Schrute: I don't believe you, continue.

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Season 3

Gay Witch Hunt:

Dwight Schrute: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael Scott: That's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute: Definitely.

Michael Scott: I need to know who else is gay. I don't want to offend anyone else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

The Convention:

Michael Scott: Wow, what are all those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine or semen.
Michael Scott: Oh, God. I hope it's urine.

Dwight Schrute: (referring to Jerome Bettis) Why do they call him "The Bus"?
Michael Scott: Because he's afriad to fly.

The Coup:

Dwight Schrute: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael Scott: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?
Dwight Schrute: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael Scott: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Yea...
Michael Scott: What's his name?
Dwight Schrute: (long pause) Crentist.
Michael Scott: The dentist's name is crentist?
Dwight Schrute: Yea.
Michael Scott: Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Dwight Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan’s been bitching out on him. Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Dwight Schrute: I will lead you into the black with ferocity!

Grief Counseling:

Dwight Schrute: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight Schrute: (to Angela) If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.

Creed: It's a real shame about Ed huh.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It must really have you thinkin.
Creed: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chances you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. Snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very Smart.
Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight Schrute: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?

Dwight Schrute: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael Scott: Lifesize.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.

Dwight Schrute: Look. I gave him a 6 foot extension chord so he can't chase us.
Michael Scott: That's perfect.

Dwight Schrute: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral...
Dwight Schrute: Yes, please.
Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent.
Pam: Do you have it with you?
Dwight Schrute: Always.

Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry! I grew up on a farm! We killed a pig whenever we wanted bacon! And when my grandfather died, we reburied him in an old oil drum! (pause) He would have fit if Michael had just given me another minute.

Initiation:

Dwight Schrute: What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan Howard: Loneliness... maybe women.

Dwight Schrute: Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere!
Ryan Howard: I think about that all the time.

Dwight Schrute: Michael always says "K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid." Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.

Dwight Schrute: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you realize what you're saying.

Dwight Schrute: Why did Robert Mifflin commit suicide?!
Ryan Howard: He had depression.
Dwight Schrute: No! He hated himself! What... is the DHARMA Initiative?!

Dwight Schrute: Will Ryan become a loser, slacker like Jim or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions?

Diwali:

Pam: I just feel kind of tired, you know?
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you've got mono.
Pam: Maybe.

Dwight Schrute: Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama, after his epic battle with Ravina, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael Scott: All right, all right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Dwight Schrute: [interrupting Michael talking about M. Night Shamaylan] I see dead people.
Michael Scott: Okay! Spoiler alert!
Dwight Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it!

Branch Closing:

Dwight Schrute: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is.. "Something Weird Is Going On...colon...What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story...by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute."

The Merger:

Dwight Schrute: What was your mile time?
Toby: About seven.
Dwight Schrute: I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well, my feet don't. And I could still crush that time.

Dwight Schrute: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Dwight Schrute: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of sales.
Dwight Schrute: So you'll be reporting to me then.
Andy: On the contrary.
Dwight Schrute: My title has "manager" in it.
Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight Schrute: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Andy: Congratulations.

The Convict:

Dwight Schrute: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

A Benihana Christmas:

Dwight Schrute: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!

Dwight Schrute: He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Win-win.
Dwight Schrute: Exactly, thank you, Jim.
Phyllis: I like goose. If it's already dead, is it so crazy if we eat it?
Creed: That's crazy. It's crazy.

Dwight Schrute: Pam and Karen! I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam: You can't do that.
Dwight Schrute: As ranking number 3 in this office, I am ordering you to-
Andy: Ummm, I'm number 3.
Dwight Schrute: You're number 4.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number 3.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, no. You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight Schrute: Okay good, they...
Jim Halpert: As ranking number 2, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member of the committee. We'll act on this now.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim Halpert: Can you please keep it down? I'm in session. [thinks] I've determined this committee is valid.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no. Wait. Permission to join the Validity Committee?
Jim Halpert: [thinks about it] Permission denied.
Dwight Schrute: Dammit!

Back From Vacation:

Michael Scott: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute: Who's the target?
Michael Scott: A sensitive e-mail has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture, the filename is jamaica-jan-sun-princess.
Dwight Schrute: What's it of?
Michael Scott: Not important.
Dwight Schrute: I'm not sure, you need to tell me everything or I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott: Ok. Forget it.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I accept it.

Pam [crying by herself}
Dwight Schrute [enters hallway]: Who did this to you? Where is he?
Pam: What, no it's nothing.
Dwight Schrute [takes off jacket, ties it around his waste]: It's hot in here.
Pam: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. [give Pam handkerchief]
Pam: Thanks, you don't need to stay here.
Dwight Schrute: I know. [puts arm around Pam]
Pam [continues crying]
Dwight Schrute: So you're PMS'ing pretty bad, huh?
Pam [cries more]

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Season 4