Creed Bratton Quotes

Creed Bratton: It's a real shame about Ed huh.
Michael Scott: Yeah. It must really have you thinkin.
Creed Bratton: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chances you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed Bratton: Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Creed Bratton: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. Snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very Smart.
Creed Bratton: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight Schrute: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed Bratton: What did I say?

Creed Bratton: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. Check it out.
[cut to Ryan]
Ryan Howard: Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the Intranet, it's...pretty shocking.

Creed Bratton: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.

Michael Scott: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct "old man smell?"
Creed Bratton: [voiceover] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed Bratton: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?

Creed Bratton (to the kids): Ya ever seen a foot with four toes?

Pam: Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis: Umm, I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map.
Angela: Phyllis, you're a married woman.
Creed Bratton: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?
Creed Bratton: If that's flashing, then lock me up.

Creed Bratton: I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times, and I have paid dearly.

Creed Bratton (after he wins the fridge): This is the first refrigerator I've ever owned.

Creed Bratton: Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Creed Bratton: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive...like I did when I was a homeless man.

Creed Bratton: [referring to Angela, to longtime co-worker Meredith] Andrea is the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [extends hand] Creed.

Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith: No it's not too bad, they have me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed Bratton: Oh really. What kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percoset, Etanol, Oxicotin, Palidone.
Meredith: I have no idea.

Creed Bratton: I've been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. I had more fun as a follower. But you make more money as a leader.

Creed Bratton: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's I made love to many, many women - often outdoors, in the mud and the rain...and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

Creed Bratton: [greeting young men and women as they enter Poor Richard's bar] I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff's station.

Creed Bratton: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. 'What do I do?' What do I do, I do here. I should have written it down. 'Qua' something. Quaaa. Quarr. Quab. Quall. Qwer. Quobbity! Quabbity assurance!